The Girl Inside

WILDCARD WEDNESDAY: He is Your Life

2011-09-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

Colossians 3

He Is Your Life

1 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides.2 Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ-that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

3 Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life-even though invisible to spectators-is with Christ in God. He is your life.4 When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too-the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

5 And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God.6 It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger.7 It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better.8 But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

9 Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire.10 Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete.11 Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

12 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline.13 Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.14 And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15 Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness.16 Let the Word of Christ-the Message-have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God!17 Let every detail in your lives-words, actions, whatever-be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

TURN-IT-UP TUESDAY: "Goodmorning" by Mandisa feat. Toby Mac

2011-09-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

GOODMORNING, FRIENDS!!!!! Oh, my goodness, If this song doesn't get you pumped up, I don't know what will. I heard this on K-Love sometime ago & have been meaning to post it for forever! I want to wake up like this everyday. You will too! God is so awesome!

Let's make today a goodmorning no matter what! If you dance to this beat all day, I don't know how you couldn't. HAHA! LET'S GET IT!!!

THROWBACK THURSDAY: "Can't Stop" by After 7

2011-09-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

How I love the 90s! It was such a terrible time for fashion, but music was FANTABULOUS! I hear this song and immediately, I am a kid again, riding in the car with my mom to school or to my great-grandmother's house. Love it! Imagine, a small Monika singing and dancing to this song. Yeah, makes for a great visual. I thought I was bad (the good way lol)!

Happy Thursday & Happy listening!

WILDCARD WEDNESDAY: My Lobotomy: A Memoir by Howard Dully

2011-09-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

--- A NEW YORK BEST SELLER ---

This book held so many significant thoughts for me. It brought so much emotion and rendered me humbled and thankful for who I am and my life. If you like memoirs, books on the brain and sociology/social work, this book is for you. Howard Dully opens up about his life and his thoughts. It will break your heart.

I don't want to come off as I enjoyed this book. This isn't a book that you enjoy. That's not the correct word. Its an eye-opener. Its facinating. Throught the whole book I found myself empathising with this boy, this man, who experianced such a hard life.

I'd learned about Walter Freeman and lobotomies before, but to read about a child who actually had one...

I know there are parents who fail to love their children properly...

I know that kids are neglected...

...but to actually read about it. To have an actual account of these things in front of my eyes was mind-blowing.

My Lobotomy is a sad, sad book, but it made me realize how blessed I am. It also made me realize how capable we all are to reach our goals. After all the things Dully went through, he did make something out of his life. He defeated all odds and though the book doesn't talk much of God at all, God saved His life & protected him hardcore. All I wanted to do was take young Dully in my arms and love on him. That's all he ever really wanted anyway. Quite often during the read, I found myself wishing I could travel back in time and take him away and I'd take care of him. How I wish it were so...

If you get the chance, read this book.

TURN-IN-UP TUESDAY: "God is Great" by Ricky Dillard & New G

2011-09-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

I get in touch with my Missionary Baptist roots on this one! Haha! I absolutely LOVE Gospel music! I feel very in touch with the Holy Spirit when I listen to this genre. This song has one main lyric & it grows ever-powerful each time they repeat it: "God is great & greatly to be praised!" Haha! How can we not praise such a wonderful God?! Who are we not to? Why would we not want to?! Welcome into your world this day! We welcome you, Lord Jesus! We want you Holy Spirit! WoooHooo!!!

He should be praised & praised with all that is in us! Give Him all you got today! All day! All week!!

I'm just sayin', a little praise can be so fun & completely uplifting. Remind yourself of who He is!

If you're at work, I'm sorry if I get you in trouble while gettin' your praise on. HAHA!!!

Love you guys!

FACT FRIDAY: The Jesus Juke. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff

2011-09-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

The Jesus Juke. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff

Please click on the link above and be directed to something awesome! Its one of my favorite blogs EVER by one of my favorite Christian writers EVER! He's an amazing man named Jon Acuff. In this specific post Jon addresses the Christian way of being a downer. Something I think many of us have experienced. Well, we're both tired of it and its not cool. So, in his own funny way, he brings this to light and shows us that its not cool. I hope you enjoy it...Oh, and please, no more juking, okay? Its no fun for anyone...

THANKS MUCH!

Happy Friday!

THROWBACK THURSDAY: "The Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera

2011-09-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I love this song. Takes me back to my youth. Real talk, I used to cry when I would hear this song. Even more so, I was so jealous that I couldn't be The Karate Kid's girlfriend. Grrr....I'm still bitter. lol Fact: The movie came out in 1984....Did you know that there was this BEAUTIFUL girl born that same year? What a coincidence for such a great movie & great beauty to be born (lol)...

But for real, this song is awesome! I want a man who will fight for me and be my hero. To this day, this song still makes me tear up. Beautiful.

Takin' you back to the 80s...

WILDCARD WENDNESDAY: How Cool Do You Want to Be?

2011-08-31T11:37:00.000-07:00

"Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect."

~ Romans 12:2 (NCV)

Trends. They seem to creep up in every aspect of our lives. The spill into what we decide to wear, what music we decide to listen to, & what TV shows are the talk-of-the-season. They even decide what language is hip (people do say "hip" still, right? I'm losing touch quickly. I digress...). There's all this text-language (ex. ikr= "I know, right;" wrud= "What are you doing;"). Some are more colorful than the examples I've given. Outside of text-language, you have your oral speech that is DAILY changing. Your peers' expressions and inflections rub off on you. I have 2 best friends that I LOVE to emulate when it comes to speech. Its almost kind of annoying because I feel like a poser. But I mean, its the thought that counts, right?

Then you have you regular, good 'ole, every day jargon. Things we say when we're really excited and happy. Be it a "colorful" expression or not, we have our ways of expressing ourselves that make us "acceptable to those around us.
Then there is the ugliness that comes out of us. Things we say that aren't so nice, but its just a joke right?

We want so much to be accepted. But we cover up so much of ourselves. Today, try and think about what you're saying and how you're saying it. Decided today that you will be who God created you to be and not a carbon-copy of society. Its not always as beneficial as it may seem.

There's a song that I used to sing in elementary school. There's a verse that goes like this:

"Oh, be careful little mouth what you say.

Oh be careful little mouth what you say.

For the Father up above is looking down in love.

So be careful little mouth what you say."

Allow me to leave you with some verses to meditate on:

"Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."
~ Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
(Are your words helpful? Do people see your jokes as jokes are hurtful. You may want to think before you speak.)

"Young people, enjoy yourselves while you are young;
be happy while you are young.
Do whatever your heart desires,
whatever you want to do.
But remember that God will judge you
for everything you do."
~ Ecclesiasties 11:9
(Some of the things we do & see has fun or harmless may not so much be worth it...)

"God will judge everything, even what is done in secret,the good and the evil."
~ Ecclesiasties 12:14
(Makes me think of the word integrity.)

"When you talk, you should always be kind and pleasant so you will be able to answer everyone in the way you should."
~ Colossians 4:6

"The mouth speaks the things that are in the heart."
~ Matthew 12:34b (NCV)
(Whether you like it or not, what you say makes a huge impression. Think about it. Are you displaying what's really inside? Are you marketing yourself well?)

WILDCARD WEDNESDAY: What If...

2011-08-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

What if women decided to love themselves?

What if we decided we were worth it?

Instead of compromising our standards and our goals, what if we stood our ground and waited for the one who respected them instead of disregarding us because of them?

What would happen if a guy decided to go for the girl he truly had feelings for?

Instead of treating women like sexual objects, what if men treated women like princesses?

What if women acted like it?

On the same note, what if women treated men with respect?

What if we stopped acting on pride and let our walls down?

As a people, a community, and a body of believers, what would it look like if we defied society?

Wht if we all believed we were worth something?

What if we each decided not to rely on somone else for our self-worth?

What if we had self-respect?

What if all our hope and strength was in God?

What if we really did laugh in the face of fear?

What if we left the past where it belongs?

How would that effect the way we live?

What if we lived the true meaning of love instead of Hollywood's version?

If we were honest instead of liars, what would happen?

What if you really decided to answer these questions and live out the true answers...?

I just wonder what life would be like then...

TURN-IT-UP TUESDAY: "Privilege" by Incubus

2011-08-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

This is for all those Incubus fans out there! I absolutely LOVE this song! I crank it every time it comes on my iPod! I hope this rocks out your Tuesday! Or your life...whichever works ;)

POSITIVE MONDAY: ATTN Women of God!!!

2011-08-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

Ladies: Realize & love yourself enough to know that a man who disqualifies you because of your morals & convictions is NOT worth your time. Do NOT negotiate when it comes to your standars. You are worth so much more!

Today, let's be excited about being women of God. Let's be excited that our self-worth is found in the Lord Jesus Christ and none other. All other voices, whatever the world is telling you is a lie. You are beautiful. You are worth it.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOUR BODY.

Walk with purpose. Hold your head up because you are strong and you are a princess. Yes, you are royalty. Because you are a child of God, His daughter, you are an heiress to the throne. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

We've all felt we've had to compromise to keep a man, but the man God has for us will honor us because of who we are and the beliefs we hold already. He will encourage us to continue on the path of righteousness and purity. That's the man you want, ladies, not one who makes you feel less or turns you away because you want to be more.

Until he comes, remember, Christ is already that man. Won't you allow Him to uplift you and hold you steadfast? Isn't His Word & love enough to see you through?

MAKE TODAY A POSTIVE MONDAY.

POSITIVE MONDAY: Rejuvenated & Unashamed

2011-08-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten so lost in praise to God that you frighten yourself? Maybe that makes no sense. Maybe "frighten" is the wrong word. Its like you become so excited and overtaken by the presence of God that it sends your mind and body soaring; almost startaling you. Okay, I'm aware I'm not wording it correctly. I just don't know how to describe it. One day, I was in the car listening to "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the love & greatness of God.

A couple of months ago, I was struggling spiritually. I could hear or feel God. I cried to Him daily until I honestly didn't want to even pray anymore. It was the most alone I've ever been, but I didn't give up. I tried to pray. I talked to my friend about it. She prayed for me. Then there was a break through...
God rushed into my heart & just spoke His love for me. He reminded me that He was always there.

I have to say, I'm very thankful for that time. Its easy for me to become complacent in my faith. I take for granted God's prescence. The times when I have to search for me, reminds me of how much I need Him. It makes my heart glad because I know that this life that I have claimed in Christ is the one I really choose to live.

In the past, I admit that I have been a little afraid of people to see me praise and worship God. I feel like I look funny or that I'm making a spectical of myself. But I've realized that means I'm ashamed to proclaim to this world that I love God and shout to the nations of all He is. I'm not! The day that I was listening to this song, I just got lost in praise. All while driving. I had to try and focus on the road. Haha! I asked God to forgive me for not devoting all my time to Him at the moment. Now that I think about it, I should have just pulled over. I don't even know where I was headed, but that's not the point. It was the most amazing experiance to be so filled with Christ and His power. I'll never forget it. I was singing at the top of my lungs all to His glory at His Great Name!

Will you worship Him today? Will you open your heart and mind to the idea of giving Him the ulitmate praise in the way He has made you praise Him? Be it through music, prayer, writing, solitude, lifting up your hands, kneeling before Him...whatever. Choose today to be unashamed and to be a vessel of testimony and praise. I can guarantee you things will look much different & so much more awesome!

WildCard Wednesday: Color Confusion

2011-08-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

Wednesdays will be my free-blog day. I can blog about whatever I want. Today, I'm choosing a subject that I seem to be breeching a lot lately. That's the subject of color, race & society. I guess that's more like subjectS. I hate to belabor this point, but it really bothers me and quite frankly makes me super sad and very confused.

I don't consider myself normal. Ha Ha....I know, you're all shocked. But seriously. I'm not normal. I don't really see color. I never have. I know I am and am very proud to be a black woman. I obviously know a white, black, red, or whatever skinned person, but that's not the first thing I notice. People are people. Please excuse the repetiveness, but I'm getting to my point...

My sister and I were riding home from a night of fun with friends. She opened up to me about something we've never really discussed as sisters: the topic of dating and race. Of course, we've talked about it, but not in the way she brought it up. First she asked me if I had a preference for white men. I told her that I was naturally attracted to them, but I didn't necessarily have a preference persay. We discussed how we grew up in a prodominantly white setting (due to school). We hung around black kids too, but not as much as I guess people think we should have (whatever that means). She asked me if I was more or less ashamed of liking white guys and if others made me feel bad about it. The answer to both questions was yes. Honestly, I can only think of one person (outside of my family) that hasn't made me feel bad about it. One in the twenty-six years I've been alive. The things we talked about broke my heart because I know I've experianced what she was just beginning to realize and feel, but its never something I wanted to hear from her. I guess deep down, I knew she was, but Lauren is very headstrong and not as sensitive as me. I didn't want to admit that she may be dealing with pressure and judgement when it came to this sort of thing. Now that she has time to think, she's beginning to see she has to decide who she is as an adult. That can be a very scary thing and opens you up to a world of feelings and questions.

What Lauren and I came to realize is that we have been made to feel bad about who we are and the guys we choose to like. We're a bit afraid, even if we don't want to admit it. I know for me, I don't necessarily care who it is I date as long as he's a Christian, we're friends and we care about each other. I don't see why anything else matters to anyone else. Why are we expected to be anything else besides who we are. "Being black" means something completely different to us than it does to others. We are supposed to like black men, listen to black music, and speak black-language. But why are we being put into this box? What happened to us being whomever it is God created us to be...and who are these people to tell us what that means when they obviously don't really know us? And do they really care to?

I feel people want to put others in boxes to make themselves feel better.
"A place for everything & everything in its place," right?
Except, your place for me most likely isn't my place & I pray to God people would stop presuming so.

The confusion & frustration I saw in my sister's eyes & heard in her voice broke my heart. I understand how she feels like a traitor to her race. I know what its like to be afraid to let your family know who you really are and worrying if they will accept you fully or talk about you. I know what its like to have to laugh at the "jokes" your friends tell...knowing deep down that these "jokes," many times are much more true than even they want to really admit. The pain that comes from that is unbearable at times. I can't describe it. You'd have to have experienced it to really know. I pray to God no one has to feel this type of pain...but sadly, Lauren and I are no anomylies. This happens with every person in every race whom decided to live and breathe out of the box that they've been placed in.

You know what its like? Its like being told "I love you," but hearing: "I love you, but only if you...."

I am so happy to know that my Jesus loves me regardless of who I love, what I do, what I say and how I say it. I can just be me. He created me. How can there be any mistakes?

This is the most untrue quote I've ever heard & I've grown up, I've known it to be more true everyday:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

If we are to love like Christ, does judging by color and stereotype really make sense at all?
Just think about it...
We're all people. We all bleed. We're all one in Christ.
You do truely believe that...

...don't you???

"You are God's children who He loves, so try to be like Him." ~ Ephesians 5:1

"Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant

2011-08-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in awhile. Its quite a shame. However!, I have come up with a new system I'm going to try. A system to focus/organize my thoughts. It might be fun. So, here we go!

Tuesdays will be about music. Hopefully I can keep this up. lol

Natalie Grant has an amazing song out. Its not "new" anymore, but its still pretty great. I blast this in my car & have yet to download it to my iTunes, but I plan on it. Since I'm at work (and really shouldn't be blogging), I'm going to cut this short and let you have a listen. Tell me what you think...

Weak

2011-07-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

Can a leader be this weak? Does a leader break down and cry when things get hard? If the answer is "no," then I'm in the wrong way. I'm crying out trying to figure out where He is & why He's allowing so much on my family's plate at once. How can I effectively lead His people if I myself am broken? I'm not strong enough to handle it all.

There have been a couple of times in my life where I've felt like I identify with Job. Sometimes God allows Him to test me. I will be honest...it angers me. It annoys me....and it hurts me. Why would God keep allowing satan to push, push, push?! I know what my Bible says: He's sees me. He's concerned about me. He loves me and hurts when I do. At the age of 13 I gave my life to Christ through baptism. All these years of study and growth and I still don't understand why I have to go through so much for Him to mold me. I get it! I know! I don't need the world to crash down around me; and yet, he allows it. Leaders are supposed to be strong and unmoving. They don't get all emotional and stressed because their faith is in God. They understand He's got this. I guess I know that too, but unlike a seasoned and natural leader, my knees are shaking under all the weight I carry. The burdens are getting too heavy.

I feel like we're in the boxing ring. We can't fight this guy. He throws some mean punches. Low blows are his favorite. Cheap shots. How can we fight against that? Why doesn't God step in? Isn't He supposed to save my family?

I thought that if I was positive and held out, God would see how faithful I was. If I continued to uplift and encourage my family things would turn around. But here we are and things are still happening. Our plates are so full. We have our individual battles plus that random insanity that life keeps throwing at as and satan uses as His springboard.

When will He show up and end this time for us? Is this leadership bootcamp or am I only fooling myself?

One Strange Cookie

2011-07-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

God amazes me more and more everyday. He pushes me further into this leadership role even though I am terrified and have no clue what I'm doing. But its through that fear and uncertainty that He is able to shine and most be glorified. He also works better then because He is in control and not me.

I never thought that I would be seen as a..."radical Christian." As a matter of fact, that term used to get to me. I'm not saying it doesn't still make me weird now, but I think I'm starting to identify somewhat with it (maybe). Just a little. My goal is to follow Christ and do His will. His mission for my life is for me to lead people to that very way: to lead them into a lifestyle that is modeled after His own heart and to be readily obedient (even though I myself have not even semi-mastered this concept, but I am trying). I have to say though, the looks and the response one gets from attempting to live this seemingly radical life can be rather...disheartening.

This verse came to mind:

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me." - John 15:18-20

I'm no greater than Jesus. How can I expect to lead others and not have people look at me strangely or dislike me because I'm not fitting into their ideas. I have to go with it. For someone like me who loves to love others and to have fun; for someone like me who likes to meet people where they are, this is a very hard pill for me to swallow. That people will discount me because I choose to live this way. Because of my belief alone, I will be cast aside. This isn't just by the people in the world, but the people in the church.

As disheartening as this is, I can't imagine living any other way. I can't sacrifice my God and the love I have for Him for the ideas people have concerning the way I should live. God's tugging at my heart and calling my name...how can I not answer Him? For me, it would only create more heartache and discord.

He is the light of the world & I intended on following Him...even if I must succumb to the idea of being hated/disliked/viewed as strange.

His Garden

2011-07-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

Little by little and without giving me time to really think about it, God is taking people and things out of my life. It sucks so much, but at the same time, I can't find a reason to break down. Mostly because I knew it was coming. God spoke to my heart and told me that in order for him to plant the seeds He wants to plant, He's got to do some weeding. My heart is the soil He's decided to till and cultivate. I know He's about to make something beautiful grow, but I can't say the process is easy...

The Master gardener that He is, He plants where and when He sees fit. I find myself not accepting a certain deposit. I won't do it. I can't do it. Its not time. It won't ever be time. Not again.

I feel like there's so much going on right now and I don't understand how all these different things belong in the same field.

I suppose I'll just have to wait and see...

Send Me?

2011-07-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

I'm not so sure where or how to even begin. I haven't been blogging or writing as much as I should because I don't feel I'm any good at it. I feel like I'm driven towards so many somethings that are absolutely ridiculous. Spiritual warfare has been fierce today. You know the cartoons where the angel sits on one shoulder and devil sits on the other? Yeah, its that but like x10 and on steroids! Its been like God's gentle whisper against satan's loud and obnoxious screaming and taunting.

I've been trying to write for days. When I start to, I lose focus and drive. My confidence level is wayyyy down. I feel extra foolish and fully defeated.

Leadership. That's what God wants from me. I can't express enough how humbled I am that God has chosen me to lead His children and to be a leader, but at the same time, I am so scared and annoyed with the whole thing. I question why He didn't send me to school for this. For counseling or ministry...no, I went with broadcast journalism. How in the world is that going to help me? I could have majored in English so I could write or in music so I could actually read and/or play music, but no. None of those things panned out, but broadcasting did. I thought it was my path, but the further I get into it, the worse it is for me. I am not driven toward it at all. The amount of time and energy I spend thinking about ministry and leading others is so intense. Nothing else makes any sense in my life...but in all honesty, neither does this!!! I have no idea what I'm doing!

The past couple of days, I've found myself becoming slightly angry with God for leaving me so ill-equipped for this calling. For waiting until not to make it apparent that this is what He wants from me instead of years ago so that things could have been done about the situation. He won't even give me a starting place. Tonight, I literally prostrated myself before God for quite some time. I have never done that before. I've been on my knees. I've cried out, but I have never been flat on my face before God begging Him for His guidance. It scared me a little, but I couldn't think of anything else. I had to do it. My life is His fully and completely. I cannot fight it, but I am so lost.

There are a few figures from the Bible that can sort of identify with right now: Abraham, Moses, Esther, & Jonah. I ebb and flow among these figures. Sometimes from day-to-day and sometimes hour-to-hour, rendering me to feel insane at times.

Like Abraham, God has just told me to "go." I have no idea in what direction or the exact destination. Everything is pretty vague, but I know I must obey Him. I just don't understand why would he leave me in such a directionless state? God has promised me things and I want to believe Him, but its quite difficult on this desert road. I wish I was as confident and immediately obedient as Abraham was, but I struggle in that way.

Moses and I are the most similar. God has called me and I'm fearfully looking at Him saying, "I mean, really, God?! You made me this way and yet your calling me to the very thing I cannot do. How in the world does that make sense?! Couldn't and shouldn't you get someone else? Surely, you know of someone better?" Yet God will not let up on what He has asked me to do. Unlike Moses, I don't have, nor do I get an Aaron...at least not right now...

My favorite character is Esther and its who I strive to become. She was brave and obedient. She had such a task before her but she did it with confidence. As cliche as Esther 4:14 has become among the Christian body, its my favorite and for almost a year now, it has been brought to my attention and placed in my heart at different and sometimes random moments:

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance from the Jews will arise from another place....And who knows but that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?"

If I don't step up, I know God could use someone else to fulfill his purpose. However, I am also very aware that God has asked me to do this at this time for a reason. I'm not even gonna even try & speculate as to why, but there is a reason. I only wish I wasn't so afraid...

Last, but certainly not least, there is Jonah....There are days when he and I could be best buds. Jonah did NOT want to go and speak to the Ninivites. I mean, he went so far as to try and run from God. Now, we all know we can't run from God and we can't hide from Him either, but, oh, how we try. I have been running and running. I make excuses (a.k.a. hiding). However, it is not working. Right now, I'm am doing my time in the "belly of the fish." Its not fun at all, but the only way I'm going to get out is to obey God. It would stand to reason that I do just that and cut my fish time short, but I can't...or I won't...because I'm scared and insecure.

When I was in high school and battling depression, I came across 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. Because it was one the God personally lead me to, it became my first favorite bit of scripture. I held so tightly to this verse and it gave me so much strength, but until tonight, I didn't apply it to other circumstances. I am so blessed to have friends and loved ones who brought this verse to my attention tonight in reference to my current situation. Verses 7-8 are quite important to so I will include them at the close of my blog for today.

Because I am so without and feel so weak and helpless, maybe this is how God will truly shine, how His glory with be exceptionally shown, and how I will gain strength...Here's hopin'...

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. " ~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Clarity...

2011-07-12T01:05:00.000-07:00

Why did you choose me, God? I mean, really? What do I possibly have to offer this world? I'm not smart. I don't know the Bible very well anymore. I'm flighty in some respects. I'm not creative. I don't know enough about making a speech to make one. The last time I made a speech was my freshman year in college. Yeah. If you wanted me to do that, why didn't you keep me in that sort of arena?

My singing is alright, I suppose, but really? How many people actually make it in the music business? How realistic is it to even dream it? I haven't read music since I was in Jr. High and now, I can't read it at all.

God I'm mediocre at best.

You won't even tell me which way we're going. I just feel like I'm in the middle of a crossroads. You haven't and won't even seem to prepare me. So how can I do anything?

I feel useless.

I'm at a dead-end job in my field of study. Why did you let me choose such a route? If you wanted me down these certain roads that you seem to be trying to push me down, then why didn't you steer me in that direction? My degree has proved useless and quite honestly, I don't enjoy it at all. I haven't enjoyed it since my first experience. Now look where we are. Its too late. I can't go back to school. I don't have the money. I'm living at home and....I just feel stuck.

And here you are prodding at me to do crazy things that I can't do. Things that don't make a lick of sense for me to even start...

Or maybe its me.

Maybe I'm making it all up.

Maybe that's not you calling..

I wish you would just make things clear....

Race 2011

2011-07-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

How can it be? My heart breaks and my head reels at how this world is still so hung up on race. I must give accolades to the younger generations. The racial barrier seems to be bending. Praise God that things are making a very slight turn around. Its no where near solved and there isn't a great deal of difference, but enough that people do turn their heads.

Just today I dealt with someone who claims "friend," but can say things to me about black people that really hurt me. I'm treated like a freak or an anomaly. I realize many may not mean what they are implying, but the fact is, they are. It not funny to call me "white." Its a slap in the face when someone says they are afraid of a man just because he's walking on the same side of the street as they are and he happens to be a "big black man." My dad is a great guy and it breaks my heart that he might be judged in the same way. Its amazing that people look at a black person who is well spoken, well-rounded, and listens to various types of music & yet is looked at as a sellout or a white person; rendered to be anything but whom he or she truly is. Where in the world did this come from? Who in the world deemed things like music and speech as black/white privilege? Does that not seem shallow and hurtful to anyone else. Does no one else look at and hear these things only to raise a huge "?" above their head? Maybe I live in a jaded universe of my own, but I was under the impression that this was a free country & that God made us in HIS image. Hmmm...interesting, yes?

It burns me up that a group of people who happen to look similar to another group is allowed to make a bad name for everyone of that same caliber. I mean this for all races, genders, social classes, ages, religious affiliations, political parties...any group. Just because a group makes a noise doesn't mean the other group will do the same. We are our own people with different experiences and morals. Don't stereotype! Its not right. And I speak to Christians directly when I say this: How does this line up with what we claim to believe and how we claim to live and love?

I've blogged about this very thing in the past. Its something I know will probably never change as long as this world keeps spinning. I also know that I probably shouldn't try and be this "one woman revolution." My goal is to be one other person that tries to create equality. Just one more person to not condone the jokes or the negligent words that often pass our lips.

Jesus said:

"...the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'"

~ Matthew 15:18

What is in our hearts? What lies behind and beneath? How much of it comes out in "harmless jokes" or "negligent conversation?" Something to think and be honest with ourselves about?

At the creation of man it was said,

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him..."

~ Genesis 1:27

I can't wait for heaven. The children of God who were black, white, young, old, male female, Hispanic, republican, democrat, rich or poor will be there. Then we will truly see equality and openness. Then we can be just who we were created to be and seen as no less.

Praise the Lord. Amen.

"You don't see me for me. You first see me as a black girl. I am very proud of it and who I came from, but that's not all I am & it's definitely not how I first define myself. I am first and foremost a Child of God; a Christian who is passionately in love with the Lord. Secondly, I am a strong, loving smart, fun, independent woman. I am a beautiful black woman. Third, I am a Grundy - fully of power and strength. Fourth, I am a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and friend. I am all this plus some, but you don't seem to see that for being unable to see past my skin color. I don't want to be in any sort of relationship where I am the black anomaly, because even then there's something wrong with me in the other person's eyes...& it starts with my skin."

Keepin' it Real. For Real, For Real.

2011-06-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since I've posted here. Missed you all very much. Hope everything is going well.

I went absent, came back, did a little bit of remodeling & then left it mid-construction. Now, here I am again. I finished up the remodeling and then took a moment to really think about why I was here & what I'd done.

Its time for me to keep things real, for real, for real.

I have a lot of neurotic things about me. I'm not perfect (none of us are, I know that). I do silly things. I care far too much what others think of me. I want to be fully honest so that if and when I blog here, I will be held accountable. So that I know I've said it for everyone to see. I only pray you will not look at me differently. God has forgiven me. I've learned and now I'm moving on.

Honestly, I lost my credibility for awhile. While it wasn't all fake, I was doing a lot of pretending in past months. The design, the picture, the words, the purposeful blogging...it was all done to try to impress. I was afraid to say things. Then other times I said too much. I allowed a person to affect me. No, I take that back. I allowed my own selfishness & imagination affect me.

When I begin crushing on someone, my vision gets clouded. Even worse, I become down on myself. You know, its a joke with my friends about my neurosis & my craziness, but when I crush on someone, I get very down on myself & see all my flaws and I make them known (this is not cute).

I was also taking far too much under my own control. God never told me to touch or do anything but the very specific thing I felt in my heart He was asking me to do. I became impatient and "helpful" (because as we know, God needs my help, yes?). I took over and tried to make things what I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted them. It was my mission to be seen as this Fabulous person. In short, Seduction via Christian Verbiage. How sad. How ashamed I am. So eventually, I just decided it was time to take a break. I couldn't write anymore. All my creativity was wrapped up in something else; someone else.

That's the honest truth.

I made the decision to use my talent for my own gain. I used it to go against God and to tempt someone else to do something they shouldn't. I became a modern day Siren. Yipe!

My absence was good for me. Things happened & God got my attention. Things are better.

This isn't necessarily a place for me to disclose my neurosis. This is a place for me to shine. God's best can be seen through my mess...through my joy & my life if I choose. I choose to be real. I choose to be honest.

I choose for you to see the girl inside.
If you don't like it, don't read it.
I'm coming from behind the mask.
You might not like what you see.
My gift is a life lived transparently...

Blog RE-Construction

2011-05-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

You'll notice some changes.
I'm making them.
Virtually and in Reality.
I'm making intentional strides to move on.
Starting here...

Trying to think of a new title....

Change in the Making....

The Last Day of Lent

2011-04-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the last day of Lent.
I can't believe that its over.

Its as if I am allowed to enter the normal world. One I don't want to go back to. Crazy, but I like the restrictions. Not that I have to get back on Facebook or wear make-up, but without Lent, its as if I don't have that safeguard. Now the real test of self-control begins.

--- Can I limit my Facebook usage? ---

--- Can I not abuse it and use it for self-validation? ---

--- Will I continue to see my natural beauty and not use make-up ---

to try and be someone else?

I'm sure I can, but the world is out there...
Its all waiting to devour & destroy me.
I enjoy my little bubble. It takes me back to my innocence; to before I allowed the coercion of the world/others to bring me out. I miss that about myself. My purity. My innocence. Qualities the world frowns upon, but its quite beautiful & leaves far less scars and horrid mental images. Yes, we must live in this world, but I was doing just fine. I was relating to others even though I was so much different than the people around me. All that to say, the end of Lent is bittersweet and a bit unnerving.

At the same time, I realize that I didn't do so well this Lent.
I did well in keeping my Facebook fast & not wearing make-up. I read more books than I thought I would (even though this current read is taking me FOREVER to finish)....

....but I didn't read my Bible as I said I would, which is very disappointing and embarrassing. I am ashamed.
I slacked MAJOR.
It just isn't the same.
The relationship I once had with The Word is gone.
I am afraid of it, don't understand it & feel quite juvenile in my comprehension and view of it. This renders my passion for it dormant. I hunger for it, & yet I am not hungry enough to dive deep. No longer am I worthy of reading it. Honestly, I feel I need to be scholar to having anything to do with it. I used to feel like I was "scholarly" enough...now so much has been lost & I'm not sure why...
Its like not knowing your best friend anymore; like the connection and intimacy between two people suddenly dies. And now how do you revive it? Without it, I feel empty and lost, but when I read it, I feel so sad. Its as if its screaming at me my inadaqucies and failures. I can't take it.

This has affected my prayer life. God's word spurs my prayers. The Bible is like God's letters to me. If I don't read the letters how will I know how to talk to God? How will I know what to say? Everyday, I meet God and there's this awkwardness because He's so excited to see me and here I am tense and pulling away because I've fallen behind on our relationship. Though He knows, how can I meet His eyes and pretend things are okay? I can't because they aren't and He knows my heart. He knows our relationship. Things are skewed and distant.

So how do I fix this?
No act of my works will redeem me. His grace is sufficent for me and will cover my every weakeness (2 Corin. 12:9) - I know that, but He's calling me to do so much, yet I know so little & our relationship is faultering.

He's so close.

I'm so far away

There's transparency for ya...

This has been Lent 2011.

EPIPHINATICAL!!!!!

2011-04-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

I HAVE HAD AN EPIPHANY!!!!

I love it when I have these. They are so awesome!!! But I must start with a...

DISCLAIMER: Please recognize that as I write this, I mean every word.

God placed this on my heart and I have every intention of carrying it though.

However, we all have bad days. We get down and off track.

I will have my days where I will not necessarily reflect the behavior intended in this blog,

but I promise to keep it in mind and fight, because today is a new day.

I have things to do & I am fearless!!!

This epiphany is not intended for anyone but me, but if you benefit, that's pretty cool too :)

As I think about passages in the Bible about love, I can't think of any that are super sad. I mean, Jesus loved everyone around him & sometimes they made Him sad or even angry, but He didn't stay down, eat like a mad person, and cry to Celine Dion music (not saying that's what I do..). Quite the contrary, love is brave, fearless, exciting, joyful, and can be a blast. It is difficult, but never pitiful. So, why is that the way I approach it in my life?

I know that there are different forms of love: agape, eros, philia, & storge (I'll let you look those up). Whatever. That's not the point. Love shouldn't be all "whoa is me."

I was sitting here earlier today thinking about how I get so weird and down whenever I like a guy. I listen to sad depressing music. I either think the guy will never like me or I get all depressed because I'm all about this guy and he's rejected me. Okay, so, its totally cool to be sad or hurt for awhile. I'm not about to deny my feelings, but after a time, I need to pick myself up and just deal. The only man that is my do-all, say-all is God and He's in it to win it, so I'm good to go with Him.

As you all know, I love someone very much. Things aren't working the way I'd like. So, please, let me tell you what I've done: I have many days where I am all sad and depressed. I don't listen to certain music. Instead I avoid it and mope around. I been deny how I feel and lying to myself (bc this apparently has magical powers that will eradicate my feelings). I tell myself that I don't care and that I don't feel this way.
Well, I don't want to do that anymore & I shouldn't. It doesn't do anything but make me more sad, more angry & uber frustrated. Its time to go on with my life & just be real. And anyway, how is that love for myself or the other person?

I want to be happy about this! I should be :) I love someone. Love hurts...a lot, but I can't let it end my life. Love is something the grows & signifies life in my eyes, not depression and darkness. SHEESH!

Love in any form is beautiful and such an experience. It has it ups and downs; its challenges and soring points. In it all, I need to find the joy or take it to God for Him to handle. If He has it, I don't have to worry, right?

So, right now, I'm listening to the music I've avoided. It doesn't have to be about this person in particular. Yes, it makes me think of him, but shouldn't that make me happy? I mean, so this probably won't ever work out, but someday, a guy will come along and it might. If it never does, I get a chance to experience a part of God himself! God made ALL forms of love & I'm getting to experience them all. Yes, it hurts to know that this current interest may never reciprocate these feelings toward me & I have to deal with that, but I can't stay stuck in it. It gets my joy all immobile. I was created to be joyful and optimistic. I'm ready to bring that back...for good! I have always loved easily & now I'm just loving in a new way. This is a new and fun adventure. So another one is biting the dust, that doesn't mean I have to, right?

I'm tired of pretending and hiding how I am and how I feel so I don't hurt others. In a way, yes, I have to be sensitive to feelings, but in other ways, I'm gonna let it go and let it flow.

Here's the reality, things will change. Either A) Something will happen with me & said person and I'll be happy or B) Nothing will happen and I'll eventually get over it and be happy.
I'm going to end up happy regardless so why not go ahead and start now???

So here it is & here I am.
Ready to love in its full capacity!

Fearless, fun, joyful, lovable, crazy, happy, Christian, open, honest, and free...
This is me & I love you. Now deal with it.

I have to.

I really hope I haven't been too harsh. I'm just being real.

By the by - when I'm having one of my bad days, could y'all remind me of this post?

That'd be awesome! lol

I'm gonna have them and I don't deny that. I get sad and whanot,

but I just can't get caught up in that.

Its not who I am.

Its not who I was meant to be...

Sometimes I wonder if my transparency is too raw. It it is, let me know & I'll

CONSIDER being a little less intense. lol

Slow Let Go

2011-04-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Its bittersweet
I have to let you go now
Its time to move
I'm ready to let go now
I've held on so tightly
My hands have started to bleed
Somewhere along the way my love turned into greed, so
Its strange
Its time for me to go now
Its time to make a move
I'm ready to move on now
I planned every smile
Orchestrated every strategy
But it all failed and fell at our feet, so
I've decided
You let go long ago, somehow
The dream faded away, Oh
How to wake up from it now
Slow and steady break my heart now
No, I'll wait for you to come home

Hopeful Heart Fanatic

2011-04-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

It becomes so easy to let go of what you care about or what you love if it isn't manifested in the way you think it should be manifested or as timely as your proposed.
"When the the going gets tough, the tough get going," is what "they" say.

(Speaking of which, has anyone figured out who "they" are?
Because I'd really like to meet them.

Is it some sort of group or federation? And how do you become a part of it?

Certainly it couldn't be the same group of people --- unless they are as old as Father Time, wherein I'd like to meet these dudes & ask them how long "they" have been around...

This "They Federation."

....Wow. Sorry, I just totally went tangent-ing. My bad...back on track...)

So I hadn't listened to my dearest Nathan Angelo in quite awhile. Between dropping my iPhone in the toilet and other things, I just hadn't gotten around to it. Then once I got going again, I just wasn't feeling it. My mood was all out of sorts and whatnot so I just wasn't in a Angelo Attitude. However, this day was different. I turned him on just for some background noise as I washed dishes. Then, my favorite song came on: "Follow Your Heart."

If you haven't heard it, take a listen.

I talk about myself an awful lot. So, for once, let's talk about you, shall we?

Think about all the things you want so much in life....

...you've given up on them because it isn't happening as fast as you think they should.

...you've decided it isn't worth it because things aren't coming together as you pictured them to.

...you've turned your back on it all because you don't feel like you have what it takes and it's really hard to get where you want to go.

Think about the people or person you loved so much you thought your insides would melt...

....but you've decided to leave it behind for so many reasons:

..........you've decided you aren't good enough for that person.

..........you've told yourself that they would never look at you that way.

All in all, you didn't have the patience to wait for God's say-so. Times got too hard and because its something you wanted, you figured it should come a whole lot easier. Especially if its something God wants for you, yes?

The answer is....not always. Sometimes when things are the hardest, that's when they're just about to turn around and get so much better. Just because things are bad doesn't mean you just give up. You know what that proves? Mostly that you didn't really want it.

Think about the things you've achieved. You got them because you wanted them & NOTHING could stop you. Why is this situation any different?

Did God tell you to stop...

....or are you stopping yourself?

Are you taking God's "Not right now," and turning it into an "Never?"

....I don't think that's your place.

Neither is it mine. So here's a challenge:

Let's follow our hearts.

I know people say not to, but I disagree. Especially for Children of God. God speaks to our very hearts, so if we are going to Him and petitioning His Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us, and we are truly seeking His way, then I think if our hearts are in congruence with Him, why not follow it?

Sure it may not make sense.

Sure things may be in opposition to what look rational and logical....

but if God has decreed it, then who can stop it?

We may postpone it, but nothing can stop what God has set in motion.

I challenge each of your to get on your knees and start asking God to sort out the things of your heart and to give you the strength to follow through with what He's placed there.

No matter what.

You may find your heart changes. You may find yourself spurred on with a fervor that's so intense you can't help be push forward. Either way, you'll have to follow your heart, right?

So go spend some time with Him & see what happens....

Be patient.

Fight for what you want.

Let God guide you.

You won't be the same, I can guarantee that.

NEVER. GIVE. UP.

--- Psalm 37:4 ~ "Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart." ---

I know I won't. I've tried and so far, it hasn't worked. So, on with the heart stuff :)

Lent '11: Day 45 - NOW Conference --- When will my NOW begin?

2011-04-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

I've been sick all this week. Not the ideal thing. Especially since I was sick 2 weeks ago. I've had to sit and be still, which has rendered me to my own thoughts and to the voice of God.
(Sad that I have to be ill in order to be still enough to really hear what God has to say.)

The NOW Conference in Nashville, Tennessee this past weekend was beyond Fantastic. It was a the Word of God brought to life and being challenged to put into action. Speakers like Jon Acuff, Jen Hatmaker, Pete Wilson, Ben Arment, Joe Knittig & more really came with it. They were on their A-game! Hearts were convicted and lives were changed. Leaving that place without being changed and without the willingness to make a move on the calling God has placed before each soul in that building would take a lot of stubbornness and fear.

However, I can't say that I'm not halfway one of those people.

I heard everything that was said.
I cried and was convinced that I knew what God wanted from me.
Yet somehow I still find myself so afraid. I don't feel I have what it takes. But if I didn't, God wouldn't ask me to do what He's asking me to do.

"God will never ask, 'Who are you,' because He already knows." - Jon Acuff

Its a question I ask of myself often.
"God, who am I to be a leader? Who am I to start a revolution?"
I'm not smart or great with words. I don't have a lot to offer, only love. Some how this is supposed to be enough for what God wants me to do.

At SycView Church we're going through an 11 week study of Exodus.
(Funny how God will work a very specific character into our lives at a very specific point to reach us and to teach us.)
At the NOW Conference, many of the speakers used Exodus as reference chapter. This struck me hard because I stopped reading Exodus recently. It was just too much to take in. I can't grasp that I could even hold a candle to Moses. God called him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, to go before Pharaoh and petition for God's people. Moses was afraid, just as I am, and didn't feel he was man enough for the job:

"But Moses said to God, 'I am not a great man!

How can I go to the king and lead the Israelites out of Egypt?"

~ Exodus 3:11

God's response:
"I will be with you..." ~ Exodus 3:12

God gives Moses evidence not only to present before the Egyptians, but for Moses himself. God gives all of us proof daily of his awesome power and of His loving presence and still we don't believe that He will equip us with what we need to do is will.

Moses said: "What if the people of Israel don't believe me or listen to me?" ~ Exodus 4:1
From here God gives Moses 3 ways of proving God's presence and fortifying Him with strength. Yet even still Moses couldn't shake his fear and just trust God to get him through:
"Please, Lord, I have never been a skilled speaker. Even now, after talking to you, I cannot speak well. I speak slowly and can't find the best words."

While I have NO issues with speaking. I do have other issues that render me timid and unsure.

My response to God even after He has proven to me time and time again of His call to me and His promise to be my side:

"Lord, I've never been smart. I'm actually kind of an airhead. People laugh at me and make fun of me. I don't know great facts. In fact, I don't know much of anything. Nor do I know where to even begin when it comes to this great thing you ask of me. People aren't going to listen to me or follow me. This is going to be a HUGE FAIL if you entrust this to me. Why would you ask me to do something that someone of greater caliber or clout could do? I'm just a silly girl. This is impossible!"

God's answer to both Moses and me:

"Who made a person's mouth? And who makes someone deaf or not able to speak? Or who gives a person sight or blindness? It is I, the Lord. Now go! I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say."

~Exodus 4:11

This shouldn't only offer us great comfort, but should also put a little fear into us - enough to make us get it in gear & get moving. And yet, how does Moses respond?

"Please, Lord, send someone else." ~ Exodus 4:13

Sadly....my response is the same...

We know how the story goes:
God gives Moses Aaron to help him speak.
Moses goes about doing what God asks and brings the people out of Egypt.
Yet it took so much. There wasn't immediate faith. There wasn't immediate obedience.
This makes me sad, because I exhibit this very behavior.

Lack of confidence.
Lack of assurance.
Lack of motivation.
When God should be all of these things for me.

But I know I'm not the only one struggling here.

What has God been calling you to do that you will not do because of fear or uncertainty?

Are you willing to allow God to be your all and believe Him when He tells you not to be afraid and that He will be with you?

I leave you with some quotes from some of the speakers:

"When God calls us, He never leaves us alone." ~ Pete Wilson

"My moment is NOW." ~ Tami Heim

"You cannot lead what you do not live." ~ Ed Stetzer

"Introduce Jesus in real life. That's where He does His best work." ~ Jen Hatmaker

"How would it transform things (the church) if we became slaves to our neighbors? (1 Cor. 9:19)"

~ Jen Hatmaker

"God is in the NOW." ~ Matt Mooney

"Success is who you are, not what you have." ~ Scott McDaniel

"The only thing that will propel dreams is if here gets bad enough." ~ Ben Arment

"The Gospel is the why for everything." ~ Michael Kelley

Lent '11: Day 44 - Leadership Malfunction

2011-04-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

I was so excited at first. I thought this was going to be a Fantastic opportunity.

Its a dream that's dying within me. A dream I have been clinging to; trying desperately to hold on to. I thought it was what I was supposed to do with my life. Yet, there's always been something in me that knew this wasn't enough --- that knew I wasn't fully invested, but I was determined. I had to have a purpose and a plan. It was perfect. I would be around people and music - laughter and fun. I would be influencing people by being a local icon....but that's not the way its working out.

After the NOW Conference, I know without a doubt that there is more to my life than what I'm allowing. I'm clinging to something that I was really never created to do. At least, not this way. I'm empty and I've had enough. My frustration level is through the roof. Only problem is, I can't leave until God says go

He hasn't yet I'm not sure why.

I've heard it said that sometimes a person has to do what he or she doesn't want to do in order to get where he or she wants to get. This offers no comfort to me.

I realize that God knows what He's doing and maybe He's using this for more than my extra income, but for whatever awaits in the future. Though this won't last long, and I know this deep down, I also know that if I'm not being the person God has asked me to be in all situations, if I'm not showing God I can be trusted with little, then He will not trust me with the great things He has for me in my future.

If you know me at all, you know that I usually do far more than what I'm asked to do. I work hard and with a smile on my face, but I have a confession to make: This 2nd job, I'm not giving 100%. As a matter of fact, I'm not giving 80%. Instead of being outgoing and fun, I sit back and do what the others do. I become distant and nonchalant. I take on this "if they don't care then neither do I" attitude. Being myself would be embarrassing & I'm afraid of what my co-workers will say about me; but is that what a leader should do? Should a leader backdown because she's afraid of what others will think.

I am becoming a follower.

I am allowing setbacks. God has so much for me and I'm postponing their fruition. I'm allowing fear to control myself. Instead of allowing frustration to drive me forward, I decide that I don't want to fight against it.

Even worse, I'm taking my frustration out on others and slacking at my other job. I'm mean and short tempered.

This isn't where I will be forever. No, this is just a via point. I have to go through it to get to the awesomeness ahead.

My reasons for taking this job in the first place aren't completely pure. I had ulterior motives. I pursued it without really thinking. As a matter of fact, I was attempting to run from something else. While I need this extra money, its a miserable way to earn it. However, I will do my best to make the best of it and allow God to take a mistake and make something beautiful out of it. This is a great opportunity for me to refine my leadership capabilities.

Taking a stand. Its time to really show if I'm leadership material or not. No more games.

Lent '11: Day 43 - The Darkness Within

2011-04-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was sure you were buried

Hidden beneath

But you weren't dead

Only asleep

I feel you stirring

Rising within

You whisper sweet musings

You wait to begin

Your Quest to Defeat

Your Mission to Kill

What you don't realize is that I will fight harder still

The darkness creeps up

But slowly, no haste

You are patient and careful

Full of a wretched grace

The words you use are carefully chosen

Ones you knew I'd believe

Choking on honey

You can easily deceive

"You are nothing

No one wants you

You're better off dead."

All these words you've said before

You chiseled them in my head

I chose to not believe you

I've turned away before

I can do it again

I can shut you out once more

Where do you hide

Where is it that you sleep?

If I suffocate you this time

Maybe I can end your timely creep

"You can't do this

You can't do that

You're as dumb as they come."

Why do I cling to these words?

Why is it so easy to be overrun

By your insecurities

Jealous vibes

Your determination to bring me down?

Its because I believed it long ago

I stopped trying to show you how

I am capable of anything

I am smart, compassionate and full of love

The very things you want to take away from me

Are the very things that will be my Quest to Overcome

Lent '11: Day 36 - Letting Go of Guilt & Hanging on in Belief.

2011-04-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

"The Best In Me" Marvin Sapp

I used to feel guilty. Dirty. Used. Embarrassed. This world and life has a way of getting into you.

Though that's not the way it should be.

In my past, have been ripped of my joy and allowed myself to be downcast. I now fight every day to maintain who I truly am and be joyful. Its becoming easier, but satan knows what he can use to make it difficult.

In my past, I have done things, said things that I am not proud of.

A portion of the lyrics go as follows:

"He is mine & I am His. It doesn't matter what I did. Cause He only sees me for who I am...."

So many times, I think we put a characteristic upon God that isn't true. We make Him this entity that looks at all our bad and highlights them. This may come from our inability to fully understand Him, therefore we place upon Him human ways. Let's face it, we sometimes tend to focus more on the negative areas in our lives/each others lives instead of encouraging and applauding the good ones. We hone in on the bad parts of ourselves and others instead of seeing each other for who we truly are. God isn't like that. 1 Samuel tells us that God sees what is in the heart.

When I was going through my rough time in life a couple of years ago, many people made sure I knew everything that was wrong with me. Before that, there were people who wanted very much to cultivate the worst in me. I can't say that I always won that battle. I then felt soiled. I have lived a life of guilt...as if God was ashamed of me. I wasn't the spotless, pure angel anymore... I felt that I was always so far from God's favor and grace because of my sin and my mistakes. That couldn't be farther from the truth.

Yes, sin separates us from God, but God doesn't remove Himself from us, we turn from Him. Because of my shame, I failed to see how much He loved me. He was trying to point out my good points to help me be better and improve my mistakes.

Many of you know the struggles I've faced and how I chose to deal with them. Not my smartest move, but I have repented. This song was my anthem for awhile. Even as I listened to it, I didn't realize the depth of the message. Everyone saw me at my worst, but God saw me at my best and desired for me to see the same while also refusing for me to forget. This song kept me going. I can't go back and undo what I've done, but I get a new chance and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm excited to get another chance at me. But I'm not the only one. So do you....

If you feel trapt...If you feel like you've failed....If you feel ashamed, I'm here to tell you that you don't have to live that way anymore. God sees your very best and He LOVES that about you. Accept the invitation to enter a new beginning. He isn't going to keep bringing up your faults. He will only celebrate your return.

"But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

--- 1 Samuel 16:7 ---

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

"I Believe" - James Fortune & FIYA

This song doesn't need any explanation.

This song is dedicated to the broken.

This song is dedicated to the downtrodden.

The time has come. Please believe that God has already conquered it all for you.

Find it within yourself to be intentionally joyful even in the midst of the storm.

When has God left you alone or without?

When has He not come through?

The storm, the trouble, the hurt, the confusion....its getting better and coming to an end right now.

Hang on. Don't give up. That's exactly what the Enemy wants. But don't believe it's impossible.

My mom always tells me, "Just when you think it couldn't get any worse and you feel like giving up, that's just when things are about to turn around." This is one of the truest things I've ever heard. When things are so difficult you don't feel you can stand another moment under it, that's when you give it to God and let Him be your strength. Then watch as He handles it. He will deliver and demolish. Without these struggles, we cannot see the majesty and amazingness of God. We cannot be refined and better people without them. I know that for me, I wouldn't be able to help others without my struggles. I can better understands those God leads me to because I've been there. I can relate and be a true encouragement.

God already has it done for you. Believe it.

--- Dedicated to "A girl in search of herself." ---

My darling, you are doing just that & I couldn't be more proud of you. Hang on & fight. You've got an army behind you...both earthly and heavenly. Believe that.

Lent '11: Day 34 - Recognize I'm baaaaccckkk....

2011-04-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

"I'm Back" --- T.I.

Hey, all! Its been a little bit since I've posted. Mostly because I haven't felt like I've had anything of value to say. I'd rather not blog aimlessly. However, I must admit that there have been many instances where I was just lazy and wouldn't blog. Haha! Sorry...

This blog I think is representative of how my brain works: SCATTERBRAINED! However it is also an attempt to catch you all up on what's been going on. With that said, please excuse my possible lack of cohesive writing.

Alright, let's get started....

Lent Update:

Lent has been wonderful. It isn't like last year, but that's ok. Last year I was pretty broken. This year, I'm in refining mode. A passage from Jeremiah 18 keeps coming to mind:

"So I went down to the potter's house and saw him working at the potter's wheel.

He was using his hands to make a pot from clay, but something went wrong with it.

So he used that clay to make another pot the way he wanted it to be.

Then the Lord spoke his word to me:..

'You are in my hands like the clay in the potter's hands.'"

- v. 1-6 -

God is making what He wants of me. I tend to go astray and He patiently, but firmly, corrects my misdirection. Its been painful, but so beautiful. I can't say I regret anything that's happened. When its all said and done, I will be a beautiful work of art. Until that day, I will remain under God's artistic hand.

1) Little to No Make-Up: I've found that I enjoy not wearing it. I don't need it. Simple eyeliner and mascara do it for me. But even if I don't wear that, I don't trip. I mean, if people don't like what they see, they don't have to look at me. I feel beautiful. As a matter of fact, I've had more guys tell me I'm beautiful lately. Beautiful. Says a lot and it makes me feel really good. Yet, I don't need that. I feel beautiful in my own skin & because God says I'm beautiful. But I won't turn down the compliments...haha ;)

2) Water & Juice: Admittedly, I have messed up a few times, but that's ok. This is very representative of our spiritual walk. We mess up. We "forget," but God gives us new chances and redos :)

3) Facebook: I love every second of not being on Facebook. I really don't want to go back. The only reason I'm even entertaining the thought is because its the way I stay in contact with some people. I've been talking to my mom about it. If/When I return, I will make a set schedule of when I get on and how long I'm logged on. There can't be hours upon hours of it and ceaseless checking in. This social network takes over my life & now its time for me to work on not relapsing. Here's to the upcoming challenge....

However, I will NOT be getting on immediately after the 23rd. It may be a few days after.

A) Increasing my Time w/ God:

I haven't been reading my Bible as I should (which I will get into later), but my prayer life has been great. God and I talk a lot and I love it so very much.

B) Reading at Least a Book a Month:

I've read 2 and on my 3rd. I am very proud of myself. They've all been books that ironically have spoken to me. I have been so very blessed by reading them. The book I'm reading right now is Rekindled by Tamera Alexander. My previous two have been: Heaven Sent Husband by Gilbert Morris & The Inheritance by Tamera Alexander. Great books that I recommend. Mostly for women, but men, you can read them, too, if you want...if you like Christian Romance Fiction....haha!

C) Writing More...:

Yeah, I have most definitely slacked here. No excuse...I just haven't. I don't know what to write about and I always feel its so stupid. That's just me making excuses though. I need to do better. Its the only way I'm going to improve in what I claim to love.

Issues & Triumphs

Prayer:

This is an area of my life that God has really entered lately. I'm beginning to feel its an improving and growing gift. One I never thought I'd have. Never in my life have I felt like I was good at praying. In fact it made me very uncomfortable. For some time, even before Lent, I began trying very hard to work through it. I needed to pray even if I felt I was bad at it (whatever that means). It was hard to maintain a relationship with God without really talking to Him. I have said prayers aloud with others & have found that people like to pray with me. Its an honor and a privilege, but it scares me sometimes. Entering that time with Him is so serene and beautiful. There have been times when I can honestly say there was a holy moment. FEW, but they have happened. I praise God for allowing me into His presence and ushering me into such a humbling and changing experience. I hope it continues.

I truly enjoy praying with and for others. I like to pray one-on-one. I even stopped a woman at church and asked if I could pray with her about her family & their desire to be in missions. It was the most courageous and crazy thing I've done in awhile, but it gave me such joy and the love of God was in that moment. Praise God!

Reading God's Word:

I have become increasingly afraid of God's Word. I don't feel like I am worthy enough to read it. I know none of us really are, but its our guidebook and its such a wonderful gift. Yet, I feel that I don't know enough of the history, characters, or background anymore. Sometime after college, I realized that I had lost so much of my knowledge of God's Word that I received in high school from Harding Academy. I prided myself in knowing God's Word. It meant so much to me to know what was going on and know the stories. Being able to recite scripture and know the references made me feel like I could do anything. I was equipped and ready. Now, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. In Sunday school, small group, and church, things will be brought up or asked and I can't answer or recall what it means, where its from, or whom its about. It breaks my heart. I never know where to begin anymore. Due to my shame and my fear, I now shy away from reading my Bible & I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't turn away from it, but now I feel that I have no business teaching or trying to be this example because I lack so much. I apologize to those who taught me and lead me. I don't know what happened. I should be much further along than I am.

I ask for prayers on this matter. I cling to certain things in the Bible that I know or remember, but I feel I rehash them all the time and belabor them. While others know so much more...the things that I used to. I've got to find a way back. I need to get back to my Bible. Please, help me be better...

Moving On:

How great is our God that He should remake us? That He should care about our hearts and our joy? That He should be concerned about our growth? That He should believe in us? And, yet, He does. Lately, I have noticed how much stronger I have become. All the credit goes to our Heavenly Father. I couldn't have done it without Him. I have noticed that I let go of things much easier. My heart doesn't break quite as easily. I can move on without fear. God has blessed with a peace that passes my understanding. In the past, I would have reacted to things much differently than I do now. I know that God is taking care of my future. I don't have to fear. I don't need to worry. I only need to live and let Him guide me.

Recently, I have accepted a challenge to say yes to God. This will be week 3 of my acceptance to this challenge. Sometimes its really hard, but all-in-all, its the best thing I could have ever done. Its like saying Yes, has given me so much more freedom. God is in control. He knows what He's doing. My only task is to obey. When I do what He asks, amazingly, things go so much smoother. Haha! I love it! Imagine that!

I'm not saying I don't slip up and try and orchestrate the symphony God is creating in my life. Sometimes I forget that I'm not conductor. Today, I went out to eat with my mom & there was this beautiful boy named, Logan. Off the bat, he made it known that he was a man of God. He was kind and respectful. My immediate thought was, "I've got to try and make him see me." Then, as I tried and make things happen between us, I felt the Holy Spirit lead me and God tell me that I needed to sit back and let Him decide what needed to happen. He was in control. Not me. If I am to be with anyone, He will tell me who and when. Until then, I don't need to destroy or mess up what God has done. I am confident and content as a single, independent woman of God. I don't need a man to complete me. Needless to say, nothing happened, but that's ok. To be honest, I haven't thought much of it until now. lol

I also stress myself out in trying to figure out what I'm to do with the rest of my life. Now, I just pray and listen to God. I'll get there in His time and His way. When I try to do it on my own, I try to get there too fast and get lost along the way. I'm exactly where I should be. I couldn't be happier (as long as I'm following God's way and not my own).

There are things I have let go of, I couldn't be happier. I praise God for revealing to me how much I don't need certain things and/or people in my life. He has an epic plan for me & I know this, but I can't do that with distractions in my life. Some things I haven't completely understood if they are gone forever or just for a time, but I'm not concerned about figuring it out. God will let me know. Everything is before Him and in His hands. Sometimes, we have to do like Matthew 10:14 says & shake the dust off your feet and move on. Change is scary. Change sometimes hurts, but when its over, the release is right. You get through the discomfort. You get through the pain. God is all we really need. He'll take care of it all.

I'm moving on...

In Love:

I cannot tell you how in love I am with God right now. Mom has seen such a difference in me. I feel a difference. All I want is God & His way. I love Him with my whole heart. It gives me no greater joy than to praise Him and worship Him with my whole life. I want so much to fully & completely serve Him. I intend to intentionally do so.

UPDATES:

1) Mom & Dad are turning their living room into my new bedroom! It was a surprise for me! I'm so excited! We're going to start working on it ASAP. At first I was sleeping on a pull-out bed in my old room (which as been Daddy's office since I officially moved to Jonesboro). Then my sister told me to sleep in her room while she was off at college; but when she's home we share her room because she can't stand me sleeping on the pull-out. My sister is really sweet (just don't tell her I said so. lol She doesn't like sappy stuff.)

I have the most wonderful parents a girl could ask for. We're going to get the rest of my things from Jonesboro (yes, there is still stuff there) & put furniture unneeded in storage. We need a truck and some helping hands though. If you are able and willing, please let me know :)

I'll keep you updated on the progress!

2) For those of you who aren't aware, we have a dog now :) His name is Max & he's a King Cavalier. We've had him almost a month & we love him more than anything! Pictures to come once I get my new phone. (Dropped the other in the toilet....Yeah...this is the 2nd or 3rd phone to die my toliet. Oops...)

3) I really don't care if I'm judged for this, because this song is BOSS!!! I randomly had my TV on Nick Jr. one morning. I heard this song & turned to see what was up. I was MEZMORIZED!!! I started dancing to it and everything! Its by The Laurie Burkner Band & its called "Five Days Old."

I am not ashamed to say that I still like some little kid music & television! Yes, this is on iTunes & YES, I WILL be purchasing it ASAP! Digg my life!!!

(Can't wait for my future children to dance to this with me.)

4) Jenna and I will be headed to Nashville this weekend for the NOW Conference. We are so excited! Check out the link and just see what we're going to experience. Its all about utilizing what you do for God's glory. So pumped! We'll leave Friday and be back late Saturday afternoon.

Alright, I think that's about it. I know that was a lot and if you actually read it all &&& listened to the Laurie Burkner song, you just earned 5 GOLD STARS from me. BAM! You're awesome!

Haha! Love you all so much!
Check ya laterz! HOLLA!

#100factsaboutme

2011-03-31T14:05:00.000-07:00

"Anything" ~ Mae

--- 100 Facts About Me ---

#1 - I am EPICLY in love with God. Seriously.

#2 - Sometimes I epic-ly fail at showing my love for God.

#3 - I am a people pleaser. (not always a good thing)

#4 - I am a Grundy & I'm way proud of that. Strong name. Strong people.

#5 - I am afraid of clowns, mold, and foam.

#6 - I have a strong desire to be a leader for Christ, but I don't always feel I have what it takes.

#7 - I am way too hard on myself.

#8 - I love to sing. All the time. Its my gift from God and my gift to Him.

#9 - Singing is the one thing I am certain I can do, but won't admit it most of the time.

#10 - I am a narcissist. I know it. But I'm a nice one. :)

#11 - I want to be married someday, but I don't see myself as a conventional wife or wife material.

#12 - I want to adopt a child from Japan. Its something I have been in prayer about for about 3 years.

#13 - I want to be a mother someday, but it scares the poo out of me!

#14 - I want to be in musical theatre.

#15 - I'm still like a little kid & have 50 things I want to be when I grow up.

#16 - I have no idea what I truly want to be when I grow up.

#17 - I love to scrapbook, but I don't get to do it often.

#18 - I love having my pictures made. Apparently this has held true since I was a baby.

#19 - I want to model.

#20 - I try to do way too much and eventually wear myself out.

#21 - The word "no" is still a word I'm learning to use.

#22 - I dance when I eat.

#23 - Laughing is my favorite!!!!

#24 - We all know that physical attraction is what first grabs us in the opposite sex, but after that, the first thing I look for in a man is his relationship with God. That means more to me than anything.

#25 - Eyes and hands get me every

time.

#26 - I'm not as timid as I act. I've just learned to be afraid.

#27 - I wish people would see my serious side more often. I'm not super smart, but I do have things of worth to contribute sometimes.

#28 - When eating a burger or a sandwich, I eat it in sections and in pattern (you'd have to see to understand). I never eat it whole...

#29 - I'm learning to tear down my walls and let go of my past.

#30 - I secretly mark out dance numbers in the bathroom.

#31 - I'd rather sing the villain's song during movies. They're always better!

#32 - I still sometimes watch kid shows & I'm not ashamed of it.

#33 - I will play out a CD I just bought only then to not listen to it for a month or two afterwards. By then I've forgotten how amazing it is and I can blast it more!

#34 - My life is a movie's musical interlude most times.

#35 - Singing is my way of communicating with God & many times, He uses it to communicate with me.

#36 - You can tell my mood by what music I'm listening to.

#37 - There are days I think I'm really pretty as opposed to cute.

#38 - My sister is my very best friend & no one on this earth makes me laugh like she does.

#39 - Jenna Marie David is my angel and more than a sister or best friend.

#40 - My mom means more to me than anything.

#41 - I am a daddy's girl & always will be.

#42 - There are things about me that I want to share with the world, but I can't right now.

#43 - People think I'm an angel, but I have more scars than you know.

#44 - I can bake, but I'm not wonderful at cooking. Too much multitasking.

#45 - I love to organize and clean.

#46 -I want my future home to be decorated in 50s & Asian....but they don't go together at all!

#47 - I miss ballet so much it makes me cry.

#48 - I've been told that I talk & laugh in my sleep almost every night. (I answer myself too)...I've woken myself up doing this. Its sooo funny!

#49 - Someone that I love has taught me more about love than anyone I know. God used him and I couldn't be more grateful. Now I am letting him go because God asked me to. It hurts, but God will lead as He feels is right. I'm not afraid, for love isn't self-focused or self-seeking.

#50 - My Bible is my strength.

#51 - I don't annoy as easily as I once did.

#52 - I'm learning to control my temper. Yay!

#53 - Nothing gives me greater joy than uplifting and encouraging others.

#54 - I need to be more positive & not complain so much.

#55 - Sometimes I feel I want too much out of life, but other times I don't feel like I want enough.

#56 -I like to run, but I won't do it while its cold out.

#57 - I forget to eat sometimes even though I LOVE food.

#58 - Hospitals gross me out.

#59 - I'm very particular about where I eat and what it smells like where I'm eating. Weird, I know.

#60 - I have a hard time describing myself.

#61 - When I tell stories, they're always long. I don't know how to shorten things.

#62 - I love words, but I don't know enough of them.

#63 - I'm 26 and have 2 part-time jobs and live at home. This sometimes discourages me.

#64 - I was 21 when I went on my first date.

#65 - I absolutely HATED my first kiss...which also happened at age 21.

#66 - I have a shoulder that dislocates frequently. Even though I've had surgery :(

#67 - Before I die, I WILL go to Broadway & see "Phantom of the Opera."

#68 - Sometimes I try to mimic my life after movies. It never works.

#68 - Sometimes people scare me.

#69 - I'm finding myself.

#70 - The older I get, the more I look like my dad.

#71 - When my sister is home, we stay up most of the night laughing. Really loudly....while watching "Gullah Gullah Island." Be jealous.

#72 - I sing really loudly in my car.

#73 - I love to drive.

#74 - I love the smell of gas as you pump it in the car :)

#75 - Last year, I randomly stopped sleeping with my teddy bears. It was rather abrupt...

#76 - I inherited my great-great grandmother's ring & now wear it as my purity ring. She'd be proud.

#77 - I love wearing my hair in pigtails!

#78 - I would rather cut my hair and have it back in the pixie cut. That was really cute.

#79 - Someday, I want to own a 4-door truck. And I will too!

#80 - I think it makes me look hott when I'm at the gas station checking my fluids and guys have no idea what to think of me. Haha! Its my favorite.

#81 - When I write, I think of Erin Camille Johnson. She's all about the grammar/spelling/English & I want her to be proud of me.

#82 - I'd much rather text than talk on the phone...although talking is sometimes necessary.

#83 - I daily pray about God's calling for my life. I await His answer.

#84 - God asks me to do crazy stuff sometimes...

#85 - I'm learning to just say "yes" when He calls.

#86 - I know all my weaknesses & very few of my strengths.

#87 - I don't feel there are 100 things about me. I'm rather simple and boring.

#88 - I used to always leave out a certain number when counting & a certain letter when saying my ABCs, though I can't remember what either of them were anymore.

#89 - I am better at writing out my prayers than purely saying them. I write letters to God basically.

#90 - I am honored when people ask me to pray for them.

#91 - I LOVE WAFFELS!!!!

#92 - I write poetry and lyrics, though not well in my opinion.

#93 - I wish I could be in church every day & I hate when its over :(

#94 - I love to throw parties, but I haven't in years.

#95 - I used to be in love with Richard Gere. Not sure if I still am.

#96 - I have no idea what my favorite food is anymore.

#97 - My favorite color used to be pink, but I'm not sure if that was bc it was socially correct or because I really liked it.

#98 - I would rather wear skirts and dresses than pants any day.

#99 - I love knee-high socks paired with shorts or skirts!

#100 - My rainboots are my favorite foot apparel.

Lent '11: Day 12 -

2011-03-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

"Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord's help."

~ Psalm 27:14 ~

A couple of months ago, I made a list of reasons why God could/would see me though a certain situation. During that time, God placed the above scripture on my heart. I wrote it down in red and read the list & the verse over and over for days. After a time, the list got buried in my desk drawer at work and was more or less forgotten about...

I've become impatient and anxious. I've been ready to give up and just do my own thing. Yesterday, God and I had a talk and I selfishly told Him that I was done & I wasn't doing what He asked me anymore. I informed Him, quite angrily, that I wasn't sure what was Him and what was my own thoughts anymore; so the best thing to do was just to do what I wanted (makes a whole lot of sense, right?). I have felt God tugging on my heart to do things. I feel Him speak to me, or at least I think I do. Yet, what He says makes no sense at all. Some of it is, in my opinion pointless and impossible. I feel that some of it has or will backfire against me & I'm just not ok with that.

The Lord wants to cultivate a spirit of patience and endurance within me; I am fighting against it. Some of that fight isn't on purpose, its just my nature. I expect things to happen now or soon & if they don't, then we need to move on and do something else. Waiting is silly to me. There's life to happen and things to accomplish. Why wait when we can be doing something else. God knows how I am. I speed through life if I can. I do things so I don't have to face myself or God, himself. There are many times that I can get away with this, but lately, God has said, "Not this time, little sister." I have been put in a place where waiting isn't an option, but a requirement. I have been really intentional about praying about being in the middle of the Lord's will and not only praying about it, but trying to live it out. So, in my times of stubbornness, God speaks so clearly its insane. I can't deny Him; though I want to.

He's driving home a point. He's doing something, but I just don't know what & it with a couple avenues in my life. For instance, my occupations. As I said, I just don't know with them anymore, but after I blogged about that, I prayed about it (as I have been) & God has really opened my heart to being patient and finding the good....good I forgot about or didn't realize was there. I have realized that there is a bigger picture:

Serving God by serving others.

Serving God by doing your best and giving your all.

(Galatians 1:10)

God spoke through one of my co-workers to remind me of this. I knew it was Him & I nearly cried because I realized how much I allow myself to wander and lose focus of what matters. Satan will use my lack of focus for his purposes and then I find myself ensnared.

All this to say, today, God, once again, used Twitter to speak to me. I got online this morning to find Psalm 27:14 tweeted from someone. I was very much in prayer and kept repeating it during the day. I went to my desk and pulled out the notepad with my list of reasons God would see me through. Something told me I needed to re-read it and refocus. The first thing I laid my eyes on was the verse written in red...the same one that was on Twitter. God was reminding me. It has been re-emphasized that He has not forgotten me. I need to trust Him, be brave & wait .

I know that God is leading me to different and wonderful things. I need to just wait on Him.

There is so much promise. I am very hopeful, excited and ready. But I have to do what's right, not give up and BE PATIENT. That's a Fruit of the Spirit that is lacking in me, but I think that whatever God has for me requires it because that's what God is really working on in me right now.

I have a lot of joy because I am trying so hard. While I know satan is grappling to take it away, he's got a fight ahead of him. I refuse for this to be easy for him. I refuse for him to win.

There have been other verses that have struck me today. I'll end with sharing those.

Love you all. To those who love me, pray for me, support me, encourage me...

...you will never know the impact you've had (are having) on my life.

You have been a true instrument of God. Thank you so much.

"The Lord tests those who do right..."

~ Psalm 11:5a ~

"Praise the Lord, because he heard my cry for help.

The Lord is my strength and shield.

I trust him, and he helps me.

I am very happy, and I praise him with my song."

~ Psalm 28:6 & 7 ~

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, because you saw my suffering; you knew my troubles.

You...have set me in a safe place."

~ Psalm 31:7 & 8b ~

"My life is in your hands..."

~ Psalm 31:15a ~

"All you who put your hope in the Lord be strong and brave."

~ Psalm 31:24 ~

Lent '11: Day 8 - Job-ette & the Wandering

2011-03-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling.
Because I am struggling, I feel like I'm disappointing everyone. I try very hard to be positive and fun. I do my darnedest to smile and laugh because that's who I am. Not to mention that I have nothing to complain about. I am super blessed and I know it. I desperately want to be a leader and shine this light that I have tried to keep dim before.

Last year's Lent, God was taking me out of the mud. It was the most amazing experience I think I've ever had. God did spiritual and mental surgery on me. This year, however, is....different. I don't know how much I'm enjoying it. As a matter of fact, the more I lay down & the harder I try, the more I feel like satan has more access to me. He's being allowed into the very crevices of my heart and mind. He can push any button he chooses as long as he doesn't kill me (Job-ette, much???). Not that I'm going through "the valley of death" or anything, but nonetheless, he is doing all he can to destroy me. I am fighting with all I have. I am looking to God. Keeping my anger and patience in check is so hard, but I do it any way. The harder I fight & the more I give to God, satan comes at me with his A-game.

God has lead me to read the book of Exodus. I had been praying and asking God to lead me to the part of His word that He wants me to focus on. At Sycamore View, we will be doing an 11-week study on the book. Sunday morning, was the introduction. Just reading the first chapter really captured me. Monday morning, I began my own personal journey/study and I already feel part of God's message to me....

In chapter one, we see that the Egyptians are oppressing the Israelites due to fear. The Israelites are a chosen, numerous, and powerful people. I don't think the Egyptians had anything to rationally fear, but isn't that just like us? To act out of fear and end up hurting ourselves or others to remain in control? Anyway, the king enslaves this group of people & yet they still grow and multiply even in such an environment. The king's solution? To kill the newborn boys. Time goes on (chapter 2) and the situation gets no better even after the death of the king. This is what was said:

"When they (the Israelites) cried for help, God heard them.

God heard their cries, and he remembered the agreement he had made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

He saw the troubles of the people of Israel, and he was concerned about them."

~ Exodus 2: 23b-25

Lately, I've felt rather purposeless. Quite opposite to the Israelites, I don't feel worked enough. I feel like I'm just sucking up air. I don't feel I have a place or purpose in this world right now. I thought that by this point in my life, I would be doing what I love while being surrounded by numbers & numbers of different groups of friends. Instead, I'm working 2 part-time jobs & I don't have many friends anymore (the ones I do aren't here). I'm feeling like a bit of a failure. Its almost as if God has forgotten me. Its like He's walked away to do what He has to do and I've been waiting for him to come back and get me for months.

I don't know where God wants me or what He wants of me anymore. While I have talents, I don't feel any of them are big enough or good enough to make a living from. Lately, I've been in much prayer and I sincerely wonder if radio is it for me. I'm in the industry for a reason right now & I know that, but my passion and drive to be on-air is fading. I don't know if I see myself doing it anymore. In both areas of work, I am no closer to being on-air than I was at the beginning. I was closer when I was in college. My heart is broken and I am lost. I haven't been this lost or afraid of my future in my whole life. If this isn't where I'm supposed to be then I have no clue what I'm to do...

I don't do much anymore. What I remember is being the socialite. The social butterfly flitting from one group to the next; one event to the next. My phone was constantly going off. IMs were always poppin' up on my computer screen; texts galore! People knew who I was, thought I was fun and funny. Now, they look at me like I'm crazy (I mean, I am & I accept that - lol, but they look down on me). I don't have a group and I feel like the odd woman out. I'm honestly somewhat lonely. I love being with my family. They are some of the best friends I'll ever have, but a girl needs a group she can call her own....& I miss my social life. I don't know why it was taken from me. I don't know how to get it back. In some aspects, I do know why it was taken & I am thankful for that & I know that it was a good thing, but in others, I'm beginning to feel like I'm just not wanted around...and I don't know why I don't get a do over.

I have been calling out to the Lord to reveal to me my place. I want the hill to stand on so I can shine my light, but I feel like maybe its broken - the light, not the hill. lol

I see people excelling and succeeding. I feel like I'm shaming my family because, well, what am I doing with my life? What can they say about me??? ....That's all I can say about that without beating myself up & I don't want to do that.

They say you should do what you love. That's what you should do with your life. But what I LOVE doesn't pay the bills....at least not me:

I love to encourage others and make them smile.

I love to dance and sing.

I love to write.

I love sharing my life story with others so that I can help build others up and share my testimony.

I enjoy coming up with things that could be devos or inspirations.

I love being creative.

Writing notes of encouragement.

Telling people I love them.

Helping young girls. Teaching them why they are worth more than what MTV says.

These and so much more are the things I love, but I can't make a living from these things....

I'm not intellectual. I don't know a whole lot about a whole lot of things, but what I do know is love. I want to spend all of my time and all of my life giving it. I want to spend my life talking about God. Doing what I'm doing right now. Sharing life, love, & happiness...

For the first time today, I've felt purpose. I feel useful and happy.

But what NEVER changes is my joy, because I know that there is more to this life. I know that. God isn't going to stop here. I can feel it. But like I said, after every block I tear down from the wall I've built, he comes and puts 2 more back. For every step to the top I take, he sucker punches me and sends me 3 steps backwards. I see more light & he HATES that, but I have to keep going.

I almost gave up today. I really did, but the Holy Spirit (my inner sparkle) kept asking me to push and not to give up. So, I clung tighter to my God and asked him to help me because I wasn't going to make it on my own. I am so excited that I was able to hold on. I am so blessed and thankful that I have God's spirit in me.

(Thanks, God...so much...)

{I'm gonna leave you all with a CWW that I started while I was fighting to push on earlier...)

It brings me so much joy to know that God hears me and he remembers me....

He remembers me....

Crushed and bruised again

I come up for air to breathe

You'd think I'd learn by now

He's still there waiting for me

To turn my face toward Heaven

To shine, To shout, To sing

He is the face of danger

He laughs instead of me

Beaten down again

The road so hard to see

Yet somehow I still feel it

Something Christ has called to me

To turn my face toward Heaven

To shine, To lead, Break free

Of the one who chooses to abuse, frighten & capture me

Where are you now?

The cowardly, deadly snake

Always hiding out

Never brave enough to say it to my face

You choose the low blow

You come behind my back

I'll fight until there's nothing left

I'll give until it all goes black

Your method will fail

You and the sneak attack

(Uhhh, duh!....#winning!)

Lent '11: Day 5 - Originals ONLY

2011-03-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

This idea of being light was confirmed by God today. I woke up and I was greeted by this verse:

"For God, who said,

'Let there be light in the darkness,'

has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God

that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ."

~ 2 Corinthians 4:6 ~

(NCV)

How special of a gift is that?

Not that this is even comparable, but just to put it into terms that I can understand and convey, its like The President came to you and gave you the most valuable thing he owned and trusted you with it. Something that represented him. This gift The President has trusted you with bears his name & his honor. Everything about him is in it. Now, you are to represent that name. Well...kinda like that...

(I'm not a theologian so pardon the less than desirable metaphor).

The Almighty God has placed HIS light within us so we could know HIM. It is the face of His very Son.

How cool! How humbling! Honestly, its a little overwhelming.

I can't speak for others, but I'll take the gift. I'll be shareholder :)

Somehow this connects to what I want to say now, but I can't find the right transition. So this will have to do...

I don't claim to be fully self-confident. In fact, I have many days I fight not to compare myself to other women. This is why I am anti-society. Its glamour and splendor are so....artificial. Its all a bunch of lies. Society is out to "Stepford Wives" us all! It sickens me. How often we...how often I fall for it. Not just women, but men, too. Yes, we live in this world, but how I abhor the fact that we get drawn so into it. I long so much to live the verse in Romans 12:

"Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking..."

- v. 2 (NCV)

I can't say I always live that way. I'm not perfect, I know that. Yet, I try so hard not to get sucked in by the media, society and its fabrications of true life. Its ludicrous & burns me up inside.

Men, I don't know how to reach you all on this subject since I am not a man. As a woman, however, I implore each of you to daily do your best not to look in the mirror and anything else than a magnificent, beautiful, strong woman of God.

More than the fashions, trends, blah, what-have-you, the thing that eats me up most is body image. I can not stand how women are always trying to be these size 2 models instead of themselves. Here's my thing, ok?

*** SOAPBOX TIME ***

WE ARE NOT ALL MADE PHYSICALLY TO BE SIZE 2s!!!

Sorry, but it is the truth. I know, I'm coming off harsh, but please, hear me out. This is coming from the innermost parts of my heart. I want so much for woman to love themselves and see themselves as beautiful FOR WHO THEY ALREADY ARE. I think this would take care of most issues, don't you?

Me, for instance: I am not a size 2. Yes, I may be of smaller body size, but so what?! I have my issues, too! We are all skeletally (is that even a word) formed differently. There are woman with curves that I think are GORGEOUS! I mean, STUNNING! Yet, society looks at them and labels them with the big 3-lettered f-word that I dare not utter!

(My Rule: I NEVER want to hear you call yourself the 3-lettered f-word....

If I do, be prepared for a tirade and then a long time of silence from me.)

No everyone looks good being this societal proportioned size! And how boring would that be anyway?! Yikes! We'd all be carbon-copies of each other! ORIGINALS ONLY, PLEASE!

...Wait....somehow, I think that was God's whole point....hmmm....

Listen, you are made in the image of God himself. Yes! You. You weren't made to look like anyone else. You were made to look like YOU.

Here's a little venerability: I have not alway thought I was a pretty, smart, or talented girl. Some days, I have to fight the demons. I still fight the urge to look at women who may cross my way or who are on my TV screen and then not look at myself and say,

"Look at you. You're ugly..."

"If only you were as smart as she is.."

"You'll never accomplish anything like that."

Yeah. I fight that. Some days, I lose that battle. Not as many as I used to, but still. There are days when I wonder why I can't be as _(you fill in the blank)__ as (you fill in the blank) .

I know so many of you would tell me not to think that way. Many of you have. Many of you have been the ones who got me out of that dark place. So, if the rule applies to me, then it applies to you too. That isn't a one-way street type thing. Sorry. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm not saying this is the solution for you, but I have stopped looking in certain magazines, going on certain websites, even some stores, because its too tempting for me to get drawn into the lie.

That's when my light goes completely out.

I don't shine anymore. There's nothing to shine.

I've told God that He made a HUGE mistake. I told God, "Dude, You're fired! Pack up Your stuff and move out!"

But who am I to tell Him that? The One who knew me before the world was created (Ephesians 1). The One who knit me in my mother's womb oh so carefully, while counting each hair on my head (Jeremiah 1 & Psalm 139). I'm telling the man who sent His own Son to DIE for sinful me, that I'm just not enough.

Shame. on. me.

Shame. on. you.

Shame. on. us.

I'm calling us all out.

Man.

Woman.

Child.

Elderly.

Married.

Single.

Employed.

Unemployed.

Rich.

Poor.

Tall.

Short....

Need I go on?

My reflection of self, my image, my worth should only come from God. Period. Thats it. My mirror should be God's Word. My trend setter should be Christ Himself (Philippians 2:5-11).

This has got to stop.

And I promise that right here, right now, today, I will do my best to let it stop here...

...It stops with me....

(I wanna change the world one L.E.A.P.-Bed at a time)

(Leaving Ego And Pride Behind)

Lent '11: Day 4 - Springing Forward

2011-03-12T22:11:00.000-08:00

Boys & girls, today has been FABULOUS (please sing this like Oprah does, thank you)!!! I have to recount this to you before I get all philosophical-like on y'all. Ok, here we go:

The Memphis Tigers are the CONFERENCE USA CHAMPS!!! WOOOO!!! We're goin' to THE DANCE, BABY! That's right!!!
I had to work my 2nd job today & the girls working there were so nice! I got there and introduced myself, told them what was up & they gave me free coffee!!! What, What?!?!! (No, I did NOT go against my Lent regulations. I am allowed one cup of coffee per day. YEAH!)
The weather was GOR-GEE- MOUS!!! I mean, God was like, "Here's some sun and awesome for you guys!"

My mood is SO on point right now! Speaking of gor-gee-mous days & sunshine, are y'all ready to spring forward?! I am!!! Don't forget to set your clocks. Y'all know y'all don't need to be late for church in the mornin'. Some of y'all will be attendin' late service. Hahaha! Its cool though, just be there!

Guys & Gals, I am so pumped about the sun being out longer! I LOVE THE SUN!!! I love the fact that we lose an hour. I used to complain about it (mostly bc I thought that's what you're supposed to do - Everyone else did), but this is my time of year! Spring! More light! Agh! I love it! I don't even care that I lose an hour. So what?! Its gonna be a great Spring! Not to go all New Age on y'all or anything (y'all know I love God so don't even trip, alright?), but I wish I was Indian so I could have a name that reflected the light, sky, or the sun. Something like: Bright Sky; or Little Big Sun; or Dancing Light...something like that. God put something in me that understand and connects to light.

Lately, the idea of light and God's Word has been bombarding me. Matthew 5:14 has been on my heart the past few days. I like the way it reads in the New Century Version:

"You are the light that gives light to the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden."

Isn't that beautiful?

I am light. I give light to the world.
I have to say I never read it with such gusto before. It never really slammed me until last Sunday and then K.O.ed me into the week.

Now, I have to be honest, as I read this passage over and over I would get more and more excited because I. AM. LIGHT. BOOM!...but then I started to feel funny.
"I'm not light! God is! I cannot take any excitement or credit for this," I thought.
Check it! This is what John 8:12 says,

"I am the light of the world."

I felt like I was taking a position that wasn't mine. But then, I started thinking about other scriptures in John:

"But you know him (the Spirit of truth), because he lives with you and he will be in you."

~ John 14:17

" Remain in me, and I will remain in you."

~ John 15:4

Then I began to remember, "Duh! I am created in God's image. God lives in me!"

"Don't you know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?"

~ 1 Corinthians 6:16

Do you see?!?! If Christ is light & I believe in Christ and accept Him into my heart and life...and if His Spirit lives in me...Then Holy Bologna I AM LIGHT!!!

I know that sounds so elementary, but do we really think about that? Like really? Does that ever really enter you mind and really sink in? I know I didn't until recently. I probably don't fully get it yet. I'm just starting to climb this mountain, dude!

Like I said, I am so fully excited about springing forward. This is the best time of year ever. I love that things become new and the light is so bright and the cold is gone. Of course, I found a way to apply this to my life. (Actually, God knocked at my door and decided to apply it for me...)

This is Lent. Lent comes close to Springtime. We all know what Lent is about....so, isn't this my time to renew? He's been working on me very hard the past year and a few months. He's been cleaning me up. During the winter, I can kind of shut down, but now, its time for some Spring cleaning. Its time for my light to shine. Only, unlike the seasons, I need to shine ALL the time and live in a permanent Spring of the heart. God doesn't take time off or take vacations from His temple (which is in me). Therefore, how can I not shine?!

I love being an encourager and uplifting others, but how can I do that if I hide or dim my light? I can't. I can't be the light of the world that way...& I want to be so much.

So this is my time to Spring Forward. To really dive into my ministry for Christ and to live my life as a message for many.

Guys, you are lights! You ARE the light that lights up this world? How bright is your light shining? Has it even been lit yet? I pray that you will do more than sing the song we sang as small children, but actually live it.

Our clocks aren't the only things that need to spring forward....

So do our lives.

(I know that I may blog about obvious things. Sometimes I may not be able to get across the message I want exactly the way I would like. I may not be a theologian, but I blog from my heart. This is a way for me to serve God. Its a small ministry. May God use the small things I have to offer...All My Love, Monika Rose)

Lent '11: Day 3 - Learning to D.E.A.L.

2011-03-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

I decided to go ahead and blog now. I know, right? Me? Blogging before 11 p.m.?!
I figured since I'm going to be working until 11 p.m., it would be best for me to do this now so that I can go to bed when I get home. Also, I just read something that gave me and itch to blog right now. So, it all just sort of worked out.

I felt the Lord asking me to fast today. After yesterday's escapade, I was a little afraid to because I didn't want to get sick, but I figured if the Lord was asking me to do it, He wouldn't let me get sick from it. So, I have taken today to fast, pray for others, and read my Bible. I am dedicated to sticking this out. Don't worry I'll be fine. Should anything happen, I have food here at work waiting on me, so we're in the clear, but I know that God is taking care of me and asking me to do this. I need to be more aware of His presence and His strength to take care of me and sustain me. So far this has been a wonderful day. I feel very in touch with God. Sitting in silence and reading His word has been the best thing for me.

I've been trying to be in The Word more. I got on Twitter and looked up the hashtag #Lent2011. When I did, I found that a church had suggested we read Matthew 4:18-25. I dug into my suitcase (aka my purse) and found my handy-dandy Bible and flipped over to the passage. Verses 18-22 really hit me hard. Its the story of Jesus calling his disciples. Who knew that God could use Twitter to speak?

"As Jesus was walking by Lake Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon (called Peter) and his brother Andrew. They were throwing a net into the lake because they were fishermen. Jesus said,
'Come follow me, and I will make you fish for people.'
So Simon and Andrew immediately left their nets and followed him.

"As Jesus continued walking by Lake Galilee, he saw two other brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, mending their nets.Jesus told them to come with him. Immediately they left the boat and their father, and they followed Jesus."

I have heard sermons on this passage before, but you know how when you read something from The Word for yourself it smack you in the face and give you a huge wake up call?

Did you catch what it said when these men were asked to follow Christ? What was the response of these men? They immediately left. They didn't wait. They didn't hesitate. They didn't give their shoulda-coulda-wouldas. No! They D.E.A.L. (Dropped Everything And Left....yes, I am playing off of D.E.A.R.).

When I read this I got all choked up and almost cried. God will often call me to something and I will have to think about it:

--- "God, ya know...I really need to weigh out my options because this is a
rather big request your asking of me."

--- "Well, God, listen, there's just a lot of things I need to take care
of before I just go and do that..."

--- "I mean, God, really?! I just go settled here! I'm comfortable and I really like this area and these people. How could you ask me to leave now, huh?!"

Excuse after excuse after excuse after excuse...

Simon, Andrew, John, & James all had lives. They had loved ones. Then this Jesus-dude comes along and says, "Hey, why don't y'all leave all that and come and hang with me for awhile," and they don't even blink an eyelash, but IMMEDIATELY go with Him in faith and obediance.

Am I the only one that is completely shamed by this?

Let's define the word immediately, shall we?

im·me·di·ate·ly

/iˈmēdē-itlē/

Adverb

1. At once; instantly.

2. Without any intervening time or space

(Thank you Dictionary.com)

There are words that sound like their meanings & I think immediately is one of them. Its fast and has a "get-going"ness about it.

Have you ever asked yourself why you don't come when God asks you to come?

My whole life I've always had a love for God that was unreal. I've always known that God was my Savior in one sense or another. Even if it was a child-like knowledge, I knew. When I decided to be baptized, I publically declared that I was dedicating my life to God; putting God before myself. But I don't do that. I'm not sure what He's calling me to so I'd rather stay and analyze the situation and banter with God a little bit.

How sad...

Lent is a time for me to learn and remember that my life is a sacrifice to God. Not just these 46 days, but my whole entire life. When He calls for me, I should go post-haste! I want so much to live this way. I may not show it as much as I should; yes, I am the worst of these, but I intend on living my life fully for The One who loves me so much that He chose me before He even created the world (Ephesians 1:4).

Is God calling you right now? How long has He been calling you & how long have you been hesitant? You aren't alone. I would love to do this with you. Let's make an effort to be Immediate Christians who live to D.E.A.L.

(Thank you, God for speaking through a social network today. Amen)

Lent '11: Day 2

2011-03-10T20:33:00.000-08:00

Today was the weirdest day. It wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible. I'm really confused on today. My inspiration to write is rather shallow tonight. However, my friend did post something on Twitter that I wanted to share. Also, I'll answer the question from yesterday's blog later. Tonight, I just want to read and go to sleep. I got pretty sick today and my body is past spent. So, I'll post this and leave y'all to it.

--- Loves ---

"You are you, And that's the only person you can be. You don't have to be skinny to be beautiful. You don't have to put all the stuff on your face just to be accepted. Your hair doesn't have to be straight for people to like you. Stop trying to fit in, Cause it's impossible. In order to fit in, you have to blend in. Since no one looks the same, you cannot blend in. Girls, stop trying to be like one another. It's not a good thing. You wanna find a guy? Don't be like every other girl, Be original, Be an individual. Stand out. Don't get lost in the crowd. Are women and girls really doing it for themselves or societyLove yourself for you, not so society loves you. #smile. <3"

~ EpicTweets_

Lent 2011: The Beginning

2011-03-09T23:48:00.000-08:00

Lent 2011....

I'm so very excited about it. Although, I have to admit, I've already messed up. Day 1. I accidentally drank something that was neither water nor juice. I think I'm going to have to make a reminder note(s) and hang them in various places so that I don't slip. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. lol

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

As for my make-up-less days, I have to say, I love it. I don't even think about it to be very honest. I feel just as confident & pretty as I do when I'm wearing it. I didn't think that was going to happen. A few days ago I went ahead and started lessening the amount of make-up I was wearing and noticed how much I really didn't need it. I was sure that I would be self-conscious about the whole thing, but I'm really not. If people only like me for what is on the outside, then I don't need them. My joy and my love for Christ is all I need to be beautiful. Its really nice not to have to deal with that every morning: picking out what eyeliner, eye-shadow, and mess to wear. Natural is good :) Today, I did wear a small amount of black-eyeliner and mascara, but that was it. It was Fantastic!

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

A final update on my Lent-age, being off Facebook is FABULOUS! When I signed off for the last time, it was a huge burden off my shoulders. It was like someone took my crack from me. I assume that sooner or later I may start Jonesin' for it,but right now, I could care less. I wish I'd never get back on it again. Haha! Its just so much to keep up with. I really don't think about it much either. Peace. I love it.

* --- * ---* --- *

Alright, on to other things.
So, in my time of Lent, I'm really going to be praying about something.
I've been really thinking and I'm not so sure radio is my calling anymore. I might be wrong, but I just don't know about anymore. I'm not getting any further experience anywhere. I feel overlooked and left behind. The longer I go without practice in the area desired, the more my training and degree goes out the window. Its as if I'm given menial tasks; busy work...

I met a young lady a job fair I attended yesterday for work. During her time in college, she studied Broadcast Journalism just like I did until her senior year when she realized that it just wasn't for her. She changed her major and now is finance or something like that I think. We talked, and the reasons she had for leaving are my same reasons for my current doubt. I'm beginning to wonder if this is really the avenue for me. I wonder why God has me here & some days I get a little discouraged. I feel I get pushed further & further back. I am further away from being on-air than I was when I was first employed in the radio industry.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. While I have talents, I don't know if I have any that are outstanding enough to become something with purpose. Right now I'm feeling rather purposeless. I know I'm not. I know that God created me with a purpose, but I don't know what it is and I don't know when He will bring that purpose to fruition. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be 26 years old, working 2 part-time jobs, and living with my parents. Sounds pretty pathetic, right? And it isn't that I'm not trying...I just don't know what to do or where to go. God has me right where He wants me: in a place where I can only look to & rely on Him. In so many areas of my life this seems to be true. I'm forced to sit and wait. For what I don't know. I have to trust that God will, in His perfect timing, make things happen.

I've been feeling a little defeated and discouraged, but each time I do, I cling to God so tightly its CrAzY. I don't want to get in the place where satan can tear me down. I have to fight that. I know that God has me where I am at this time for a purpose. Right now, all I can do is live my faith and touch hearts. This is an opportunity to be a light and to love. I don't know why God has me here, but for the time being I have to live it to the fullest. And I fully intend on doing so. As Dory says, I just "keep swimming." :)

My mom e-mailed this next passage to Jenna & I and it couldn't have come at a better time:

Satan is terrified of those of us that have been called by GOD. He'll

set traps and initiate attacks to keep you from discovering and fulfilling your destiny.

Don't waste your time being terrified of him -

he's terrified of you.

LISTEN: "The GOD of peace will soon crush satan under your feet." (Romans 16:20)

Your struggle is just an indication of who you are and what your worth is to GOD!

You have value in The Kingdom of GOD. Never forget that!

Satan will do whatever he can today to destroy your confidence in GOD and blind you to how great,

how powerful, and how mighty you GOD is. The Enemy wants to sabotage your success,

because you were created to win...

not lose.

(Read Ephesians 1:18-22)

Satan is determine to knock me down so that I don't rise to my full potential. I've allowed him to beat me down long enough. I'm going one more round. This isn't over....

"One More Round" - Barlowgirl

RaNdOm FunTIME!!!

Which of these is my favorite musical production that I want to see before I die:

A) "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde"

B) "Phantom of the Opera"

C) "Wicked"

D) "Boys of Syracuse"

BONUS: Which one of these was my very first production to casted in?

Called to Lead.

2011-03-05T02:34:00.000-08:00

I tell you what, God has a funny way of bringing things to my attention....or maybe its that I have a skewed vision of reality. Yeah, that's probably it. Haha! No, seriously, that's most definitely the issue. I see my world threw "fear-shaded sunglasses." I live according to a code. Not just with men, but with LIFE.

Yes, let's see here: Johnny treated me like this so then it obviously makes sense to reason

that Sally & Sue will do the same.

Jack & Jill went up the hill to kick me down, therefore,

E=MC-neurotic + said variable group X insanity = I will be treated thusly.

How in Heaven's name does that make a lick of sense? It doesn't & yet somehow this is the way I view my life. Then I deal by beating myself up, hiding in the shadows, doubting my placement in life, and/or running away.

Guys, that's not the real me.

So, in the past few years, I have come to learn that there is something in me SCREAMING to lead; yearning to do more. God has been cultivating and molding this leader in me for as long as I can remember and I've always viewed it as my crazy, bubbly, eccentricness. In recent years, I have been feeling like its more than just that. I have been hearing God and feeling Him stretch me and call me into leadership. As true as this may be, I have NO clue how I'm supposed to go about this. By being myself, you say? Well, as simple and obvious as that sounds, its not always so easy. At least not for me...

When I think of leadership, I think: intelligence, insightfullness, seriousness, outgoing-the-maxness...

When I try to view myself as a leader I see: ditzyness, obliviousness, sillyness, outgoing-to-a-MAJOR-faultness. As I've said to others recently, I feel like the light I shine is insanely and obnoxiously bright. Even so, I can't turn it down. I'm not equipped or authorized to tinker around with the wiring here. God said so. I tried & got in mucho trouble! So, I go around feeling like a freak. Then the past creeps up. At 26 years old, I am still holding on to high school hurt. I also hold on to an opinion voiced about me a few years ago: That I would feed people to the den of lions. How could anyone say that about me? I would never intentionally do that. I want so much to lead others to Christ. I want to teach others to love & accept themselves so that they, in turn, may love & accept others.. I want to spread joy and confidence....

Yet how can I do any of that being the way I am?

How can I lead if I decide to follow?

The only person I should be following is Christ....& I've stopped following Him to follow The Facilitator of Fear and Deceit.

I look at others and see all their amazingness & there coolness. I desperately wish I could be like them. I begin to concoct some sort of reality that isn't really..well, reality. I see people looking at me in disdain and disgust. I hear their tone of voice and see their eyes say, "Oh you poor sweet girl, would you please refrain from speaking for you sound like an imbecile." When that happens, I retreat. MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Does this sound familiar?

(previous blog, much?)

I self-defeat in any way possible so I can protect myself from getting hurt.

I still associate myself with the girl people decided I would be: the dumb one; the one who wasn't good enough; the one to laugh at; the one who couldn't fit in.

A phrase that describes me pretty well is: "What you see is what you get." I'm open and honest...that is until I feel threatened. I feel as if people don't know what to do with me. This makes for the awkward. Well, I don't like awkward. As a matter of fact, I try to destroy the awkward by showing others that I am awkward and completely ok with that & they should be too (with themselves). Conundrum, much?! This is where my light starts blinding others, I think. I love to love. I love to talk to people & to make them feel welcome. I don't mind being who I am. What I do mind is being the spectacle. I'm afraid I'm being made fun of. I feel like a zoo animal...

When I begin to squelch and stifle who I am, its like a carbonated beverage...I'm just waiting to explode. I can't keep it all in. Its too much. God keeps pulling & pulling. I keep pushing & pushing. Surprisingly, God wins every. time. This is who I am. This is who I am meant to be.

Tonight/This morning (however you choose to look at it), I almost gave up. I almost walked away from something I know for a fact God has called me too, because I was scared (because I am scared) & because I wanted to protect myself.

I praise God for the best friend that God has given me. She was honest with me & began to push me. I didn't want to be pushed. This wall I was hiding behind was safe and fine with me. Yet she refused to let me live this way again: in fear and alone. God spoke through her and the love from them both, once again, pulled me out from behind said wall. God has really strengthened my friend because, lately, she's been more honest and real with me about who I am than she has been in a long time. Not that she's lied before, but she's not sugar coating anymore. She's just being real and doing her job as a best friend. For that I couldn't be more grateful. From this, God spoke to me & put inside of me a word that I must speak & an example I must set. The light I wanted to "hide under a bushel," He pulled from beneath it and said, "Shine."

There is something I must do & I am terrified to do it, but God has once again said, "Lead."
So, lead I must....Lead I will.

All of the sudden, a verse has come to mind. With this verse I will end my rantings for the evening/morning; but before I do, I would like to share a clip from the movie "Aladdin." For whatever reason, I have lately been quoting a line from this movie. Its always been one of my favorites, but I had forgotten about it until recently. I've been saying it quite a bit....and tonight, was not different. Usually its in jest, but tonight, it hit home pretty hard. Its a quote from "Genie."

Its what I have to do with men, with people...with life....

"Bee yourself."

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

~ Esther 4:14 (NIV)

Too tired to be deep.

2011-03-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

Guys, I am so, so tired tonight. I have passed out in my parents' bed twice while watching Duke play basketball against Clemson. I have no idea who won & really have no desire to find out (lol). So, tonight, I think I'll keep this short so I can get back to sleeping.

This is one of my "creative word works." lol Sometimes I don't know whether to call them lyrics or a poem, so they are "creative word works" now. Keep in mind, I don't assume my CWW to be good, but they are mine. I don't claim to be amazing, but its a way for me to express myself.

At the end will the answer to the color question from a couple of days ago....

Oh, and I wanted to let y'all know: I had a reader ask if I would still be blogging over Lent. The answer is yes. To clear any confusion, I only won't be forwarding the blog link to Facebook each night. You'll just have to visit the site to find if I've blogged for the evening. I have to say that I'm honored someone reads/likes to read my blog enough to be concerned. I hope these are a blessing to those who read & can provide some entertainment sometimes lol ;)

I love you guys! Have a wonderful night/day/period of time. :)

--- Untitled ---

There's so much to say, but too many eyes to see

All that's on my mind is yelling to break free

All the ears around patiently await

Who's the new sap?

Who has taken the old one's place?

What now?

Who could it possibly be?

Hasn't she learned that this dream is nothing but self-inflicted misery?

This time I hid you in the shadows

So no one else could see

I didn't want this to be like yesterday

So you are only known to me

I promise this time its different

The tears I want to cry will not make their scene

Opening my heart this time

is a foolish choice for me

Don't worry about my heart

Its accustomed to this charade

Its not broken, maybe a little bruised

It hasn't been taken, only a little used...

RANDOM FUN TIME ANSWER:

My favorite colors in order: blue, yellow, pink, red

Haha! Ya'll did a good job. Pink used to be my favorite color, but I tired of it. All of the sudden fell in love with yellow and blue. Those can switch places sometimes.

Yellow reminds me of my personality, how I want to live my life, the sun and being happy.

Blue is just a beautiful, peaceful color.

Pink is symbolic of my softness and sensitivity.

Red is my fierceness & power.

Preparing for Lent

2011-03-01T00:33:00.000-08:00

~ "The Prayer" Andrea Bocelli & Celine Dion ~

Wednesday, March 9th begins this year's season of Lent. I am so excited and so unsettled at the same time. I'm so ready to get my life back on track. I shouldn't wait until Lent to do these things; for that I am ashamed, but I am trying to be better. So here we go!

I'm going to share with you guys the things I will be giving up & taking on in the name of Christ:

Things I'm Giving Up:

1. Little to No Make-Up

- In my road to redemption and wall-breakdown, I feel I need to let the world see who I am & not who I've made myself to be. I know that I blogged about the no-make-up thing. Its not like I don't feel pretty when I don't have it on, I'm just scared of what others will think of me without it. I see all my imperfections and fear others will to and not see me as a pretty girl. For me, I feel like make-up has evolved from a fun way to make my eyes sparkle into this attempt to hide my real self. What's funny is I go out quite a bit without make-up and never think a thing about it. However, at work or church, I'm scared to present myself without it. I never used to wear make-up until about 2 or 3 years ago. The most I'd wear was eyeliner, mascara, & lipgloss. I found out in high school that make-up was way too much work. Unnecessary. Now, its a cover-up. So, this Lent, we're going back to the basics & if I choose to wear any make-up it will be eyeliner, mascara, lipgloss. That's it. I'm really nervous about this. People who I hide from, pretend in front of and play a role for are about to really see me...Apprehensive.

2. No soda, tea, Sonic slush, milkshakes, etc....Ugghhh....

WATER, WATER, WATER...

- For those of you who know me, y'all know how much I cannot stand drinking water. I only do it when my body is near dehydration. My Daddy has voiced his concern with my lack of water consumption. I can tell a difference when I without it and honestly, it is starting to make me sick. I will have at LEAST 8 oz. of water a day, but my goal is to drink water all day long.

I LURRRVE juice!!! lol I'm like a little kid. OJ & CranGrape juice. Not too much though. I can't let it take the place of my water...which I know I'll want to do.

I will only drink one cup of coffee a day...This is going to be a loooonnnggg road...haha!

3. No Facebook. Less Twitter.

- This part I'm really excited about! I get so addicted to FB that it gets annoying. I'm going to Jonesin' for my daily fix of FB, but I cannot tell you how happy I am to have the burden of needing to check it taken away. I'm on it to all hours and checking it via phone or the nearest computer. Its really like a drug. I'm sure many of you may not understand it, but it happens. For a narcissist/social butterfly like me, its the best venue for validation and constant communication. I depend on it so much. Ridiculous. Every year since I've given this up for Lent, I do so well afterward. Up until about Nov-December and that's when I start relapsing. By this time each year, I'm full-blown insane with it! Its got to stop. So, just to let you all know, this year, I will NOT be sending my blog to FB. So there will be 0 FB activity from me. I think doing that was cheating a little bit just to make sure I was still in some form of communication with people and FB. Well, this year, I'm completely letting go. Withdrawal will happen! Haha!

As for Twitter, I cannot allow that to take FBs place, which I will want to do. So, I'm even contemplating letting that go for Lent as well. We'll see...

Things I'm Taking-On:

1) Increasing my time with God.

- I don't spend enough time with Him. I have slacked off BIG time. This will change. I will be reading my Bible more, praying more, and just chillin' with my favorite Creator EVER! After all, Lent is all about focusing on Christ. So, this is almost a given...

2) Reading at least a book a month.

- I really do love to read. I allow FB and...life to keep me from it though. I'm excited about making new friends in the pages of my beloved books :)

3) Working on writing. Doing more of it.

- Obviously, I love words and I love to write. I get behind. This will change.

Lent ends Saturday, April 23rd. There will be 46 days of amazing growth and the recapturing of my heart by God! I ask that you all please pray for me for these 46 days.

The Grundys participate in this together, so pray for the rest of my family as well, as we give up and allow our marvelous God to clean us up and refocus us. That's what this is all about. Last year's Lent was the best ever and I hope this one will be just as amazing if not even better. If you think about it, start praying now. Pray that our hearts are prepared for God's renewal, love and teaching :)

Are you participating in Lent? If so, what are you doing? I'd love to pray for you and with you :)

Alright! ITS RANDOM FUN TIME!!!

Below are my favorite colors. Put them in order from 1st favorite to last favorite:

---- red, yellow, pink, blue ----

I'm Yours Tonight. Come and Break Me Down!

2011-02-24T23:46:00.000-08:00

"Sweet Revenge" by Barlow Girl

This will be a 2-video post. I am SO excited that I was able to do this.
This will also be a multi-faceted post.
I hope your brains are ready, because there will be at LEAST 3 different stops. Two that possibly have the same theme, while the other(s) are an attempt to phase into a fun idea for my blogging.
So are you ready?! Cause I am!
Let's begin, shall we?

As I suspected, the doubt, fear, and skepticism crept back up. Granted, I didn't think it would happen this fast, but it did. Without regaling you with another tale of my exciting past with males, I will say that another incident came to mind today & I panicked. I began to regret my honesty. I thought, "How foolish of me to think that this could at all turn out alright in the end." I slowly backed up and felt for the wall behind me. I had to make sure it was there for me to run behind. When I have too much time to think, I began to analyze and come to my own conclusions about things; rational or not. This is what happened. I began comparing and contrasting (thank you, MHA) the events of yesterday with BMH Event #3 (Break My Heart). They aren't the same, but are so very similar. It didn't even cross my mind to think about it until today. My breathing stopped and I sat down to think. Immediately, I hid behind my wall. Then, just as quickly, I began to think of and inwardly sing the words to "Always Love" by Addison Road. Whispers from satan kept coming, so, ticked off at myself, I began the process of pre-beating myself up for such a stupid move. Why was I so honest? I can't trust him! I can't trust anyone! Then, I heard my rationale speak...and for once I stopped to listen. Now, I'm not saying I didn't argue. This is me we're talking about people. lol Of course I'm going to argue and disagree. Even though I did, I realized that I was being irrational. Irrationality keeps me safe sometimes, but it also renders me prisoner to seclusion and pushes people away. Just today I made a promise that I wouldn't do that. So, I took a deep breath & decided that God and I need to have a nice, long, musical together...

I like musicals featuring God and me. They are good times. Whether I'm upset or just in all out praise, they are so fun. When I sing, its my prayer time. My prayers are like the Psalms....they are songs. Its the gift God gave me. I use it to talk to Him and He uses music and song to talk to me. Its wonderful. So, I created a playlist on iTunes based off of "Always Love," burned a CD, found a private place, and just sang. The theme was love, not giving up and not seeking revenge. God began to speak & reveal things. This is what He told me:

1) Monika, my darling, I created you to love. You allowed satan to take that from you. There is no fear in love. You know this. I'm right here. I am love. Love like I would. Trust in me & not in man. I'm right here.

2) This is not your past. You have to let go of that & trust me.

Isaiah 43:19

"Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already

happening. Don't you see it? I will make

a road in the desert and rivers in the dry land."

3) Darling, all these years, you have not only been trying to fix what others have broken, but you've been seeking revenge against them though others...

4) Until you can deal with your past and let it go, it isn't fair to place your baggage onto someone else. Once you truly let go and learn to trust, then that companion I have for you will come.

I cannot tell you how freeing these words were & how true they are. #3 & #4 were the newest revelations. They got to me more so than the rest. I have heard and accepted the others before, but 3&4? Never. I hurt so I won't be hurt. I become a tease and a "playa" only to guard my heart and show them what its like to be played...To prove that I am in control. I also realize that the way I am right now, I can't date anyone. I'm not ready. Not being ready and not wanting to are two very different things. If I'm going to date someone, I have to care about them. I can't claim to care about them while at the same time go into this relationship looking for him to screw up & lie. I can't wait for him to hurt me. I can't have a relationship with a wall in between us. I don't want that...more for him than for myself. That isn't fair. I'm too skeptical and bruised. I will never be perfect. Even when I get over this. But I have to be willing to let my guard down, be myself, and trust him fully. How did I ever think that I was ready for a relationship? I wouldn't be the only one hurt, this innocent man would be too...I would become a burden instead of a complimentary companion.

God has been trying to tell me this for so long. I just didn't understand. All these failed "relationships" were to protect me. It was out of love. Jake & Justin were just part of life's pains...and we get hurt in life. But after that, all the relationships I wanted and couldn't/didn't have, they were God's love for me. I know there were other reasons they didn't work out, but I'm pretty sure that this was a very good reason as well. God was and is protecting my heart and the hearts of others. HOW COOL IS THAT?!

I need to learn how to be a friend to myself and then a friend to others. So, I'll do that. The road ahead...let's get it!

So tonight, I have asked God to break me down. He is. The walls can't stay up. They just can't. I have things I need to do for my awesome & amazing God. I can't do it from back here. God and I are hard at work. Pardon our dust!

(There's more below this video...)

Ok, so for some new fun stuff! Y'all ready?
I'm going to start leaving some sort of question, fact, or randomness down here for y'all to have fun with! I'm so excited!!! I'm even thinking about posting some of my poetry/lyrics. Yeah, we're breaking out of the shell, having fun & doing some new stuff. So let's get it donnnne! lol

Word of the Day:

- So, today I kept having random thoughts. One of them was a word. A word I never think of. I'm pretty sure that many people don't...at least not on a regular basis. I LOVE words & I have my favorite words. Today's?

Antidisestablishmentarianism:

(n) opposition to the withdrawal of state support or recognition froman established church, especially the Anglican Church in 19th-century England.

What's your favorite word & its definition?
Reaadddyyy....GO!

Love you all soooo much! Thank you for your continued love, prayers, & support. You all mean the world to me. Never forget it....

Brick by Brick - Part 2: A Glimpse of Light....

2011-02-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

Five stars goes to whichever crew member of Criminal Minds decided this needed to be a part of their soundtrack. I have been playing this song for the past couple-few days. It reaches my toes in honesty and truth. It speaks of my past and how its trying so very hard to keep me away from happiness; from my true self. It has succeeded up until now....

I had planned for this blog to be something completely different. I usually have an idea of what I want to write about by mid-day. However, today took a turn I honestly didn't expect. God did something so awesome that I have to tell the world about it. I can't stop smiling. I am one happy girl. I am one blessed girl.

You know, God sends people into your life for a reason. I'm not a big believer in coincidences. Especially as a Christian. I just feel God is always at work and put us in certain places, with certain people, in certain situations, at the perfect time for a divine reason. God will use anyone to change hearts and lives. I am so blessed to have so many angels in my life. I am so blessed to have my best friend of 10 years who will be just as honest with me as she will be neurotic with me. Haha! I love you, Jen. I am also blessed to have crossed paths with the newest and best friends I have had in the opposite sex ever. He knows who he is &just in case he doesn't want to be named, I'll keep you anonymous. To whom it may concern, you are part of my "Inner Sparkkle"...

Today, God outright showed me what He can do. He proved a lot to me. Much of which has to do with my past, present, and current issues. God jolted this poor pitiful heart with the kindness and wonderfulness of another...

Never in my life has someone of the opposite sex been so real with me while being so kind. Never has the honesty been so complete that it renders me speechless and humble. Never have I believed..until this very afternoon.

To My Bestie,

I don't know what to say to you right now. I was prepared to just let it all go. I had cried enough tears and laid it all down. I'd given it to God and told Him I was prepared for whatever. I know how much you don't like it when I just go silent, so I thought I'd made you mad enough to just give me the dueces and peace out. So when everything happened, I was shocked. I didn't know what to be prepared for (ok, so yes I did partially pre-plan a confrontation, but that's beside the point...lol).

The conversation, how it was conducted, and how you responded to it did more for me that you will ever know. I didn't cry there, I haven't gotten that comfortable yet, but I did later. But I didn't cry as much as I smiled. Congratulations, you actually broke through some of the ice in my heart.

I need to ask you to do something for me. I need you to be patient. I will waiver. This is so new and so scary. To trust like this isn't normal for me. I'm so afraid that after these words are said and you read them, I will regret it. Old habits die hard. But I want you to know that I am trying, because as I said the last time, I don't want to lose you. I don't want my fear and my past to push you away. I don't think I could stand it. So, as I work through this, I might cower. I might not know if I can trust, but I promise to try and get better. I need you to help me. As my friend, please, don't let me bury myself again. I can't. I know I don't have to explain myself. You understand. This is how I know God placed us at this place and time at the same time. It was His plan from the beginning. I must say, I have to applaud Him. lol

I only hope I can do the same for you in return. This is a two-way friendship & I don't want it to be all about me (although, I am pretty Fabulous...)

I have a hard time saying it. There were a thousand other things I wanted to say and didn't think of it until I got home, but in a nut shell: you mean more to me than you could ever know. You quickly became an important part of my life. God knew He had to sneak it in before I freaked and did something to destroy it. The Man knows His stuff. lol

I am so excited about this new slate. Thank you so much for allowing me to say what I needed to say. Thank you for not hurting me. Thank you for listening and understanding...even when I told you some things I'd lied about. I promise not to lie again. Lying isn't my thing. Within our friendship, let's both promise never to lie. Ever. Please.

I called this long ago & I don't know how...but I knew that we would be besties. I don't know if you thought I was kidding or not, but I meant it...even then. I hope I can have a positive impact on your life with less moments of driving you crazy lol.

God put something in you that kept me from being able to be who I normally would be in these circumstances. You have taught me things and been strong for me when I wouldn't be/couldn't be strong for myself. You are a better man than you think you are...I await the day that you see that for yourself.

God has such a wonderful and amazing plan for your life. I may not have front row seats, but 2nd or 3rd row will do :) I just want to be around to watch the masterpiece God is creating within you and around you grow. Know this, its happening every day. You've changed so much even from the first time we met. Small things, which have made a big difference in you. Its really cool.

Mom and I pray for you always, always, and always. You are one special person & I have no idea why God saw fit for me to be able to call you friend, but I am totally honored.

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a phrase that we haven't used in awhile & I hope you remember....

"Don't screw it up..."

;)

With All My Heart,

Monika Rose

Bianca

Inner Sparkkle

Monika Starr

...multiple personality girl....

Brick by Brick - Part 1

2011-02-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

I want to give a HUGE thank you to Missy Riney who posted this song. How beautiful and true are these words. Music is a gift from God; a key to my soul and this song really rings true to where I am right now. Thank you, Missy...

While I'm not as deep as I have been in the past, I am still pretty deep in the walls I've built around my heart. I'm really not sure how to get out. Like I said yesterday, I'm not sure how much I want out just yet. The world outside is mean and hateful, but so is the one I've created. Loneliness isn't a great of a friend as I once thought she would be.

Trying to pretend to be something I'm not is very hard for me.
1) I don't like lying, and that's basically what I'm doing from day to day.
2) I'm much too honest and transparent of a person to keep this up forever.
3) Trying to keep up the the different charades gets so tiring. I'm ready to wave my white flag.

Daddy Dale said something in his comment on my last blog that really struck me. He said that "bitterness doesn't suit me well," and he couldn't be more correct. From the moment I was born, God placed an "eager-to-love" heart in me. Haha! This is what gets me hurt so fast. It doesn't take me long and I don't ask questions. I've always believed that everyone should be loved. Call me "Pollyanna." This shell of bitterness around this heart is really cold and hard to maintain. "Love never fails," is what 1 Corinthians tells us. Bitterness cannot withstand love, so I must tell you that the fight that goes on inside of me is great. I have learned to allow more bitterness than love to show, but in reality, I know what I really want to do. Its just easier to push away than to let others in at this point.

Missing pages.
I have many. Ones I've torn out and thrown away. I refuse for people to know the real me. Pain and fear rule my life. They tell me what to do and how to act. I have my own "Terrorist Alert System" within me. Now, whether or not its faulty is an entirely different deal altogether, but if someone poses a threat, the red or orange light is signaled and I put up every precaution. Some slip by, but for the most part, I hold many people at bay.

How many times have I said the following:
- "I don't think they like me..."
- "I think I scare people away."
- "I'm too much for people."
- "I don't think I'll go. I don't really fit in."

Something to the effect, if not these very words, have come out of my mouth time & time again. Unfairly, I must admit, because many times people never get to see the real me. Past hurts and Pavlov's Law have taught me that if I do "A," then "B" will happen.

(Sidenote: I impress and startle myself with the things I remember from school...Sometimes I actually think I may know some stuff...lol)

I don't want to be hurt or looked at funny, so, I just close up and shut up, but tonight, I allowed myself to experiment a little bit. Will you allow me to share it with you?
...Wait...why am I asking? Its my blog, I can say what I want! lol

Tonight, my mom and I went to a Memphis Tiger basketball game. Even in the realms of such a public place where I don't know anyone, I stifle myself. I'm afraid to be me (a.k.a be bubbly and fun), because I'm scared people will label me crazy-like. I meet people all the time & I like to make friends so I try to do things that will make people actually like me and want to be around me. I try to act like everyone else; not rocking the boat or shaking things up. I read carefully the select words from the wall I've put up. Each brick holds a word of its own. Crazy, unstable, weird, childish, stupid, too happy...these are words, and many others, I remind myself of when in a group so that I can keep myself at a tolerable level. Due to the fact that I am trying to tear down these walls, I decided I would just do whatever came naturally. Tonight, I cheered really loud, danced when the band played and made friends with 2 little girls in front of me. I tried to make them feel comfortable and have fun. I noticed they were watching me and I was afraid of even what they thought. I knew I had to be an example. An example is honest and confident. I took a deep breath and laughed with them and got them to cheer and yell "MISS IT," when the opposing team was shooting free-throws

(I know. Very un-Harding of me for those of you who get that. lol)

By halftime, I realized how much fun I was having. I wasn't thinking about what I would do next, I was just...doing things. I was living. Then I noticed how many people I was talking to and laughing with. More over, I realized how many people weren't concerned with what I did. If they were they didn't make it known. We were laughing and talking about the game. Yelling and going on about life, enjoying team camaraderie. It hit me...I do fine being just who I am. I realize for all of you this is a basic, obvious concept, but for me, this is novel! I still don't quite get it and it wasn't as if I was perfect or had this major breakthrough. I'm still testing the waters and learning. But for once, I just let go and stepped from behind the wall to see what it was like on the other side after so long. I stood near it, but not behind. That's a step. I'm very proud of myself. I didn't even need someone else to tell me it was ok or for someone to start it. I just did what Monika would do :)

Another thought came to mind: I probably do scare people, but not the way I think. People can probably see this battle within. One day I'm sweet and kind and the next I'm distant and stand-offish. They don't know what to do with me. Haha! I'd scare me, too.

It breaks my heart that so many people are unaware of who I really am. I've hidden from so many people. Many never even had a chance. I'm still not sure if people deserve it, but at the same time, its a shame that I have locked myself up so tightly and have buried myself so deep. By the grace of God, I've still held on to my joy. I've turned away from it many times, but I never really lost it. That part rocks big time!!! I'm so glad I can still say that I have that in my heart. I truly do and I hope that's something that isn't hidden...

People assume that I'm super happy all the time. I don't have many problems. That's who I present to the world, but that's not the truth. I am losing myself. I'm not sure who I am anymore. It was getting harder to lie about things being ok. After so much water, a ballon will break....

So, here I stand. I'm ready to release it all. I want you all to see who I really am. Heck, I'd like to see who I really am. I've locked myself up in a box...I'm so afraid to come out....

The question remains...
Will you love me even when I'm me....
....or is there a pseudo-Monika you'd prefer...???

What Grows in the Darkness is Even Bigger in the Light...

2011-02-22T01:04:00.000-08:00

"At times I embrace & enter certain darkness to find out what I need to leave there. Its this darkness I'm not afraid of, for it allows more light."

~ Monika Rose Grundy ~

I present myself. Just as I am. Bare and no pretenses. I admit my instability, my faults. I am a broken woman. Even after a year, God is still working with the destruction of years past. Please pardon the dust of the reconstruction. If you aren't able to deal with the road ahead, as it will be bumpy and uncertain, then you are welcome to exit the same way you came. This will be a painfully beautiful process that I welcome with open arms.

Manipulation.

I have used it for years to conceal something I buried years ago. I buried it so deep that consciously, I forgot it existed. My subconscious did not. A few days ago, it was uncovered.

When I was in a sophomore or junior in high school, I lost one of my very best friends. We'll call him "Jake." Jake and I talked every day. We built a very natural and real friendship. He meant so much to me. We could talk about anything and everything. Eventually, this friendship turned into something more. Not that it was acted on, but we both knew it was there. It was so deep, I knew that eventually things would progress, but I was happy as things were. I loved him deeply. There was only one problem, his parents didn't like me. Mostly it was the mother. I had only ever been around them 1 or 2 times during our friendship, but both times, his mother would look at me with outward disgust. His father loved me and spoke to me every time. I never felt uncomfortable around him, but I was never able to get to know him because she disliked me so very much. I figured I'd keep away as much as possible. I couldn't figure out why she didn't like me. I didn't do anything, so I just let it go. Until the day that changed my whole life...

Every morning, Jake and I would meet on the back steps of the school to spend time together before school started and just talk and laugh. This one particular day, he came to my locker and told me he needed to talk to me. I could tell something was wrong...We got downstairs and instead of sitting down to talk, we took a walk across the campus. It was the longest and most detrimental walk of my life. He told me he couldn't be my friend anymore. We couldn't talk ever again. I remember my stomach rising. I thought my heart had stopped beating. I heard him, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I asked him what he was talking about. It sounded like he was speaking some language I'd never heard before. Jake said he couldn't be my friend anymore because his parents didn't like me because I was black...

Have you ever seen the movies where the girl stutters and stammers to get the guy to not leave? She's crying and panicked....That was me. I chased him down campus in a hurried panic. I begged him not to leave me.

"You don't mean it!!! You wouldn't do this to me..."

He said he had to. I told him no one would know. We could talk where no one would see us. We'd stop talking online & just talk at school...no one would ever know. He just looked away from me and said it was over.

I watched him walk away from me and out of my life. The rest of that day I was an empty shell. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Couldn't move. We literally never spoke again...

I never got over that. I have no closure & I have not healed. I just buried that pain. I wanted to forget. But that pain was like a seed. It grew into something else. Bitterness. Paranoia. It is my wall's foundation.

Before that was a guy we'll call "Justin." Justin went to my church and was in my youth group. I crushed on him for 13 years. Yeah. That's real stuff. Hardcore. We flirted all the time. I don't think myself a stupid girl. I pick up on a lot. For years I knew he liked me too, so by the time we were teenagers, I couldn't understand what was keeping him from dating me. He'd break up with a girl and I thought, "Surely now he'll date me," but he never did. Once he even asked me to keep a secret from the whole church about who he was dating. He confided in me. He would jokingly sing to me, but I always knew there was truth in what he was singing about. If I wasn't around, he'd make jokes about how much he missed me. I wrote him a letter once asking him to tell me the truth about if he really liked me or not. I was honest about how I felt about him. Now, we all know how hard that is, especially as a teen, but I'm a pretty honest person & I'd had enough of the games. I wanted the truth. He told me he didn't like me in that way, but I didn't believe him. However, I allowed him to prove himself. Shocker: Things "changed" for a little while, but surely went right back to what they were. Not because of me, but because that's how he wanted it.

As you can imagine, this all began to break my heart. During a lock-in one weekend, I asked 2 of my best guy friends in the group to mediate for me. I was about to look this boy in the eyes and get to the bottom of it all. It was time for this to end once and for all. I pulled us to the side, sat two chairs in front of each other, while the other 2 guys stood on either side of us. I looked him dead in the face and said that all the years we had been messing around. He claimed to not like me, but I knew it wasn't true. I pointed out how we acted and said,

"I'm giving you the chance to look me in the eye and tell me how you really feel about me. Please don't lie to me."

It was silent for about 5 seconds and he said,

"Monika, I'm sorry, I just don't like you that way. We're just friends."

Tears welled up in my eyes and I said,

"Well, if that's the case, then all of this has to stop right now. We don't act like this anymore. Are we understood?"

I held back the tears. He said ok & walked away. I cried so hard. My guys held me and told me to just take him at his word. They told me that I knew that was coming & I did. From that day on, I made a promise to let him go...

Now, let's do a fast-forward. A year or two after the Jake situation. I'm at my grandmother's house. There's a phone call for me. Its Justin. My head is spinning. I'm not sure how he got this number or why he's calling. Its been quite some time since our "confrontation." By this time, I'm over Justin and really not wanting anything to do with him. We don't talk anymore and really can't even call ourselves friends. I ask him why he's calling and he says he has something to tell me.

Me: "Alright...?"

Justin: "Monika, do you remember when you asked me if I liked you awhile ago?"

Me: "Yeah...."

Justin: "Well, I lied. I've liked you for a long time."

Of course I'm annoyed and livid at this point. By this time, I'm over him and even if I wasn't, he was dating someone pretty seriously. I didn't understand what the point was in this!

Me: "What do you mean by 'a long time?'"

***Silence***

Justin: "Let's just say its as long as you think."

I knew what he meant. My blood was boiling. I don't like being lied to.

Me: "Why are you telling me this now?! There is nothing we can do about this. Why didn't you tell me all those times I asked you?!?! Why did you lie to me and make me feel stupid and hurt me?!"

Justin: "I didn't want to. I wanted to ask you out years ago. There was this one trip, I was talking to all of the guys about it. They told me not to ask you out..."

Me: "What?! Why...?!?!"

Justin: "Because of your personality. You're all over the place. They said that you were crazy and I didn't need to be with someone like you. I didn't believe them, but I didn't know what else to do."

So because of my bubbliy personlity....He listens to other boys who don't know me, possibly even ones I called my friends.

Me: "Justin, I don't want to talk to you. Don't ever call me again. Ever."

I hung up the phone in his face & cried. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, & angry. Yet there was a small part of me that felt better. I finally knew I wasn't crazy....but I still became what I am now. Every guy after that has only added another brick or 5 to the wall I've built. I never have & I am afraid I never will forget this incident. Justin and I see each other every blue moon. We're civil. We act like that never happened. He's moved on with his life, but I haven't. I've only pretended to. I've just used this to guard, hurt and manipulate others.

Opening all of this up hurts me, scares me, and puts me in a very vulnerable position. But opening myself up, letting this out, and allowing myself to heal from it all, is the only way I'm going to tear down these walls. I've held on to all of this. At first out of embarrassment. Then out of anger. This has been my ammo. I don't let many people close; and by people I mostly mean men. I expect them to hurt me and break my heart. I try to hurt them before they hurt me. I sabotage any type of potential friendship/relationship. To be honest, I don't know what it means to be a friend with a guy. They all hate me & they will all lie.

What's funny and so sad, is that they think they know me. They don't. I let them see what I want them to see. I pretend to be something else. Either what they want or what they hate. I expect them to crawl through this and overcome this. The screwed up theory is that, if they really want to be my friend or be my anything, they'll figure out a way to defeat this. If they don't, then they weren't worth it. Its not like I trust them anyway.

I am still very angry and very hurt. Its not anything I talk about. I'm still ashamed. I still ask the question, "What's wrong with me?"

I'm not sure of myself anymore. Only once since then have I had the guts to ask a guy if he liked me. Again, I was right. He had a girlfriend so I told him that I liked him too, but because I wouldn't not continue flirting with him while he had a girlfriend. Not long after he broke up with her for someone else. I internalized this and somehow attributed it to whatever I have manifested to be wrong with me...though I haven't figured out what it is yet.

So now, I make the relationship what I want it to be. I set traps for them to fail. Sadly, I feel I only deserve to settle. This has leaked into other aspects of my life. I'm not as confident as I was before Jake and Justin. They have set the bar for every male. You know what's funny? I run into guys just like them all the time. They lie. They pretend. They use me to feel better about themselves. They try to have their cake and eat it too. They make it my problem. While it may not be my problem, it becomes mine anyway.

I have become destructively independent. I can hold my own & I make sure they understand that.

I am destructively dependent. They push the right button & then I'm afraid to do anything. They seem to figure out how "nothing" I am....& they feed on that.

I bite. I don't trust anything a guy says. Period. They all lie and they don't mean what they say. I'm skeptical. They're only going to love me to leave me or hold me up to fall. It will be a long, hard fall.

Its as if I'm not enough. Not to them. So I'll make myself enough. I present myself to be this strong woman. I can take it. What they don't know and don't see screams behind the wall I created. Sometimes, I can't hide the pain, so I stupidly show them my brokenness. They're like emotional-vampires and feed on everything I give.

Sometimes I allow my guard down. Bad decision. Never, ever let you guard down....They mean you no good. This is what I tell myself. For every guy that hurts me, I beat myself up that much more. Because its my fault....It is my fault, right?

I am a broken woman. I have been for a long, long time.

This past Thursday-Sunday, I have really been shown how broken I am. God has dug up what's been buried for so long and He's asking me to give it to Him. But if I do, I'll be empty. I'll have no ammo.

I see my wall so much clearer and how tall it is. Its paralyzed me. It has rendered me small and helpless. I've used my wall as a crutch. Its been my strength and my hiding place. Its been my protector and my reminder of what's out there...what I need to "kill" so-to-speak. It reminds me of the racial mess that's still alive. It reminds me of the insecurity others inflict onto those unsuspecting and innocent...& that I now do the same.

I'm not saying my wall is down yet. Because it isn't. Its going to take some time. I'm going to have to sit in this darkness with God and figure some things out. What's grown beneath the surface is at eye level now. It is uprooted. It sits between God and me...I'm deciding what to do with it. I don't know what to do with it. Giving it up means I give others a chance. It means possibly getting hurt. It means being transparent. It means I let others in somewhat. I don't like that. At all. I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm scared. Really, really scared.

Then again....am I willing to spead the rest of my life battling a double life? The life of a happy, loving woman & the life of a dark, reclusive, manipulative woman.

Who am I without this? Who will I become if I don't have it?

Oh, God....How do I let go???

I Will Never Be The Same Again - Hillsong

2011-02-20T21:54:00.000-08:00