Weak

Can a leader be this weak? Does a leader break down and cry when things get hard? If the answer is "no," then I'm in the wrong way. I'm crying out trying to figure out where He is & why He's allowing so much on my family's plate at once. How can I effectively lead His people if I myself am broken? I'm not strong enough to handle it all.

There have been a couple of times in my life where I've felt like I identify with Job. Sometimes God allows Him to test me. I will be honest...it angers me. It annoys me....and it hurts me. Why would God keep allowing satan to push, push, push?! I know what my Bible says: He's sees me. He's concerned about me. He loves me and hurts when I do. At the age of 13 I gave my life to Christ through baptism. All these years of study and growth and I still don't understand why I have to go through so much for Him to mold me. I get it! I know! I don't need the world to crash down around me; and yet, he allows it. Leaders are supposed to be strong and unmoving. They don't get all emotional and stressed because their faith is in God. They understand He's got this. I guess I know that too, but unlike a seasoned and natural leader, my knees are shaking under all the weight I carry. The burdens are getting too heavy.

I feel like we're in the boxing ring. We can't fight this guy. He throws some mean punches. Low blows are his favorite. Cheap shots. How can we fight against that? Why doesn't God step in? Isn't He supposed to save my family?

I thought that if I was positive and held out, God would see how faithful I was. If I continued to uplift and encourage my family things would turn around. But here we are and things are still happening. Our plates are so full. We have our individual battles plus that random insanity that life keeps throwing at as and satan uses as His springboard.

When will He show up and end this time for us? Is this leadership bootcamp or am I only fooling myself?