"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
I've been trying to write for days. When I start to, I lose focus and drive. My confidence level is wayyyy down. I feel extra foolish and fully defeated.
Leadership. That's what God wants from me. I can't express enough how humbled I am that God has chosen me to lead His children and to be a leader, but at the same time, I am so scared and annoyed with the whole thing. I question why He didn't send me to school for this. For counseling or ministry...no, I went with broadcast journalism. How in the world is that going to help me? I could have majored in English so I could write or in music so I could actually read and/or play music, but no. None of those things panned out, but broadcasting did. I thought it was my path, but the further I get into it, the worse it is for me. I am not driven toward it at all. The amount of time and energy I spend thinking about ministry and leading others is so intense. Nothing else makes any sense in my life...but in all honesty, neither does this!!! I have no idea what I'm doing!
The past couple of days, I've found myself becoming slightly angry with God for leaving me so ill-equipped for this calling. For waiting until not to make it apparent that this is what He wants from me instead of years ago so that things could have been done about the situation. He won't even give me a starting place. Tonight, I literally prostrated myself before God for quite some time. I have never done that before. I've been on my knees. I've cried out, but I have never been flat on my face before God begging Him for His guidance. It scared me a little, but I couldn't think of anything else. I had to do it. My life is His fully and completely. I cannot fight it, but I am so lost.
There are a few figures from the Bible that can sort of identify with right now: Abraham, Moses, Esther, & Jonah. I ebb and flow among these figures. Sometimes from day-to-day and sometimes hour-to-hour, rendering me to feel insane at times.
Like Abraham, God has just told me to "go." I have no idea in what direction or the exact destination. Everything is pretty vague, but I know I must obey Him. I just don't understand why would he leave me in such a directionless state? God has promised me things and I want to believe Him, but its quite difficult on this desert road. I wish I was as confident and immediately obedient as Abraham was, but I struggle in that way.
Moses and I are the most similar. God has called me and I'm fearfully looking at Him saying, "I mean, really, God?! You made me this way and yet your calling me to the very thing I cannot do. How in the world does that make sense?! Couldn't and shouldn't you get someone else? Surely, you know of someone better?" Yet God will not let up on what He has asked me to do. Unlike Moses, I don't have, nor do I get an Aaron...at least not right now...
My favorite character is Esther and its who I strive to become. She was brave and obedient. She had such a task before her but she did it with confidence. As cliche as Esther 4:14 has become among the Christian body, its my favorite and for almost a year now, it has been brought to my attention and placed in my heart at different and sometimes random moments:
"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance from the Jews will arise from another place....And who knows but that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?"
If I don't step up, I know God could use someone else to fulfill his purpose. However, I am also very aware that God has asked me to do this at this time for a reason. I'm not even gonna even try & speculate as to why, but there is a reason. I only wish I wasn't so afraid...
Last, but certainly not least, there is Jonah....There are days when he and I could be best buds. Jonah did NOT want to go and speak to the Ninivites. I mean, he went so far as to try and run from God. Now, we all know we can't run from God and we can't hide from Him either, but, oh, how we try. I have been running and running. I make excuses (a.k.a. hiding). However, it is not working. Right now, I'm am doing my time in the "belly of the fish." Its not fun at all, but the only way I'm going to get out is to obey God. It would stand to reason that I do just that and cut my fish time short, but I can't...or I won't...because I'm scared and insecure.
When I was in high school and battling depression, I came across 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. Because it was one the God personally lead me to, it became my first favorite bit of scripture. I held so tightly to this verse and it gave me so much strength, but until tonight, I didn't apply it to other circumstances. I am so blessed to have friends and loved ones who brought this verse to my attention tonight in reference to my current situation. Verses 7-8 are quite important to so I will include them at the close of my blog for today.
Because I am so without and feel so weak and helpless, maybe this is how God will truly shine, how His glory with be exceptionally shown, and how I will gain strength...Here's hopin'...
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. " ~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
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